Fake newsmen, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Jeff Gannon, and Brit Hume, along with one U.S. soldier, who had been formerly stationed at Abu Ghraib, assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraq desert one day when they were captured by Insurgents.
    They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish so, before we kill you, do you have any last requests?"
    Rush Limbaugh said, "Well, I'm a drug addict so I'd like some Oxycontin." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with a whole bag of Oxycontin pills. Rush happily swallowed them all and said, "Now I can die content."
    Bill O'Reilly said, "I am both a liar and sexual pervert, so I'd like to talk dirty to some pretty women over the phone." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and connected Bill to a sex hotline. O'Reilly worked himself up into a real sweat with an erection while masturbated himself while describing all kinds of weird sexual perversions to the woman on the other end and then sighed and declared he could now die peacefully after grossing out all the women on the other end.
    Jeff Gannon said, "I have been a fake newsperson working for a GOP Pac who was able to get White House day passes ahead of other real journalists to allow me access to the White House briefing room. I also enjoy porn and gay porn and would like to view some photos of gay men in magazines having sex. The leader nodded and another terrorist returned from an American newstand in Baghdad with several porn magazines. He gave them to Jeff, who masturbated while looking at the photos. "Now I can die in peace," he said.
    Brit Hume said, "I'm a newsman to the end. I put out lies for the Bush Administration. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday my ignorant right wing audience will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
    The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Hume dictated some comments. He then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. soldier, what is your final wish?"
    "Shackle me and strip me naked and sexually abuse my body as you wish just like I treated your people in Abu Ghraib and elsewhere," said the soldier, "I deserve it for torturing so many innocent people based on the orders of my government.
    "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
    "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to do this to me right away," insisted the U.S. soldier. So the leader shackled him, stripped him naked and his men had their way sexually torturing him while the others watched and cheered.
    While the soldier was crying out in pain and embarrassment, Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Gannon, and Humes, asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? You had a gun and could have gotten away and freed us all? Why did you ask them to sexually assault you?"
    "What," replied the soldier, "so you four assholes could call me a war hero? -- This joke originally came to us written as an attack on the anti-war movement so we re-wrote it.