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COMMENTS MADE BY MILITARY RECRUITERS TO FILL THEIR QUOTAS

It comes as no surprise to us that military recruiters have had a very rough time finding new fodder to send to Bush's failed wars. In order to fill their quotas they have resorted to new tricks, gimmicks, fraudulent claims, false bravado, false patriotism, and outright money [bribes if you prefer up to $40,000] to entice those who might be overly susceptible to swallowing this bad bait. We hope to increase awareness of these fraudulent recruiting practices to protect the naïve, gullible, and others who feel they don't have any better choices in life but to cave into dishonest military recruiters working within a corrupt system with hundreds of millions in slick advertising at their disposal. So we offer our painfully humorous and mostly accurate [based on numerous news reports] interactive list of "Things one might overhear in a military recruitment office."

Comments made by military recruiters to fill their quotas
[Even if exaggerated, many of these are based on actual reports]:

• Just sign here and we'll throw in a body bag for FREE!
• There's strong...and then there's Army strong! Or would you just prefer this check for $20,000?
• If you sign up today we will send you a rebate check for $40,000.
• Sign up now and we'll let you choose the color of your own personal body bag.
• Oh Iraq? That war is all over for the most part. We aren't sending anyone there anymore.
• You want to get the people who attacked us on 9/11 don't you? That's why we need you in Iraq.
• Don't worry about any past convictions for crimes. We can take care of any criminal record for you so you get in.
• Yes, you scored poorly on our aptitude test but that only makes you fit in much better with most of our new recruits.
• Why don't you give us a list of all of your friends so we can call them too.
• Don't bother reading all of that fine print...you can trust us...sign right here.
• Vaccines! Yes, you will need many of these but they are all perfectly safe.
• Trust us! We would never send anyone back for more rotations of service than what you signed up for.
• Don't worry...if it's our fault you get killed or injured, we will take full responsibility.
• We never send anyone into a combat situation without full, adequate, and appropriate armor and protection. Those stories you heard about from Iraq that claimed otherwise were all lies.
• Depleted uranium? That's just a myth. No soldier has ever suffered from exposure to any of that stuff and besides, it's perfectly legal.
• Our VA orthopedic Departments are the best. We will replace any limbs you lose with a good prosthetic one.
• You will never have to wait very long to get the care you need in any of our VA hospitals. They are never understaffed and never overbooked.
• With George Bush as your Commander in Chief, you are in good hands...and besides wouldn't you love to share your Thanksgiving Day dinner with him in Baghdad?
• I hear you wanted to play professional baseball? Guess what? Mike over there who works with me knows George Steinbrenner and he can get you a tryout with the NY Yankees once you complete your enlistment obligations.
• Most of the soldiers who are in Iraq stay in the Green Zone where it's completely safe...you'll never see any combat.
• Wait until you see the new bases we are building in Iraq. It's like living in your own private country club.
• No one ever talks about all of the positive things we are doing in Iraq.
• We need you to bring democracy to the Middle East. As for guarding the oil fields and pipelines that's just part of it.
• Halliburton will take care of everything you need once you get there.
• George Bush always listens to what the Generals tell him and the Generals always tell him the truth.
• Which street gang are you in? The Hell's Angels, Bloods, Crips?....because we want you!! At least we know you aren't afraid to kill people and you already know how to shoot guns and use weapons and love violence. We already have lots of gang members serving so you will fit right in.
• So you've had a few psychotic episodes in the past and aren't mentally stable...just sign up today and we'll give you this bonus check!!
• You won't like being in college and it isn't a good idea to get a college education now. Sign up with us now instead and you won't have to go to Iraq.
• "Mess with the best...Die like the rest!" Isn't that a great slogan for a Marine? --actual banner hanging in a Marine recruitment office window with those words on a black background with white skull and bones wearing a green marine cap. And you wonder why Haditha happened?
• You aren't an American? That's okay, just join us and we'll make you one!
• We're so glad your parents brought you into us. It shows our plan of targeting parents is working well.
• How much money do you want to join us? We have $12 bn we can spend to get you to sign up so money's no problem.
• What do you mean you think you're too old? As long as you aren't collecting social security we can sign you up. New rules!
• College is for sissies, geeks, and nerds. Act like a man! Be tough! Join us!
• Yes, we will lower our standards as far as we need to get you to enlist.
• It doesn't matter if you are a dumbbell! You are just someone we need to fill our quota.
• If you decide to become an officer, we can teach you how to pass out taxpayer money in Iraq using rigged rebuilding contracts and pocket millions!!
• You're very overweight and too old but that's okay...just sign here.
• Most of us dropped out of high school too...in fact we are looking for more high school dropouts to fill our quotas if you want to send some of your friends in here too.
• We'd like to see the photos of you posing for gay porn and it doesn't matter if you were a gay prostitute as long as you don't talk about it too much with others.
• The rats, mold, and decay at Walter Reed aren't so bad. You get used to this stuff.
• The reason you don't see more soldiers being injured and dying in Iraq is because we deliberately keep these images from ever getting into the media so you will sign up.
• We will lower our standards as low as we need to in order to fill our quotas.
• Your parents can always mail you the protective gear you need once you get to Iraq.
• You will always get your disability payment even if its months late and after you fill out all of the forms.
• Of course we will stand up and cover up for you if you get into big trouble in Iraq.
• Just like during Vietnam, we care for our soldiers.
• Yes, we found your name on monster.com. We always troll these job seeking web sites looking for new fodder. Ooops! I mean new recruits.
• We are always glad to get college and pro football stars signing up. That way if you get killed in combat we can exploit your death in the media like we did with Pat Tillman to sign up yet more recruits.
• We're glad you already have a pre-existing personality disorder. That way we can deny you your VA and other benefits by discharging you under Chapter 5-13 like we have been doing to many Army soldiers to make room for better ones, even though they never even had this condition.
• You can be assured we won't extend your tour of duty in Iraq as many times as possible and for as long as possible.
• Join up! With all the taxpayer money going to Iraq, this is the only way you'll get to benefit from any of it! --from viewer Ra'akone
• Whoever told you that we keep combat units manned by forcing as many as 80,000 soldiers to stay in uniform and in war zones even after their enlistment obligations have been met or their retirement dates have passed is just plain wrong. Wink! Wink!
• When you sign up for four years we really get you for five if your unit is deploying but you won't find that out unless you really read the fine print.
• Why would we want to deny you your retirement benefits after you complete a 20-year obligation?
• Don't worry about all that flab on your body. We just reduced our fat and weight requirements. In boot camp, you'll lose a lot of that fat anyway. If you want to lose weight, it's better to sign up with us than to join a gym.
• We've got all the grunts we need in Iraq; right now we're signing up brave young Americans who can go find Osama bin Hidin' and take him out! Are you brave enough, tough enough, patriotic enough, strong enough and mean enough to do that for your country? --from Clinton, Denton, TX
• Not to worry if you end up with serious psychiatric problems and suffer from bouts of depression from repeated tours of duty to Iraq! We'll load you up with Prozac before we send you back into combat.
• You'll get great care in our VA system if you don't mind waiting many months...even years to get in. See, we're a little bit backed up now...600,000 vets are still waiting to get the VA care they need. Hopefully none will die waiting.
• We'll give you an extra $20,000 if you'll ship out right away to Iraq! If this isn't enough, tell me how much you need?
• And if you're lucky enough to end up in Afghanistan, you can score some cheap heroin.
• If you aren't an evangelical Christian when you sign up today...we will make you one soon...or else....
• Don't worry! We can always lower our standards some more to sign you up. We have done this many times before and don't mind doing so in order to meet our quotas.
• Just make sure when you take one of our big fat bonuses to sign up you don't get injured in combat and can't complete your service because we will sue you to get this money back.
• We can give you another $20,000 if you agree to ship out to basic training within 30 days!
• Commit to four years of service and we'll give you $40,000!
• Sign up now and we'll give you $40,000 towards the purchase of a new home or to start a business after you leave the service! If you want the new home, I would suggest one that is handicap enabled.
• Don't want to go to Iraq? No problem, we're headed for Iran real soon, and this time we're gonna do it right! You might even get some body armor, without your parents paying for it. --from viewer Phil, TX
• You've been working for FEMA? Then you're practically one of us already - we use the same subcontractors, and you'll be outfitted just about as well. --from viewer Gordo, Aubrey, TX
• Didn't you hear what "Rummy" said after flying over Iraq, that most of the country is NOT on fire? Its practically peaceful now, almost. --from viewer Clinton, Denton, TX
• Sure, you can take your Mom's Hummer with you to Iraq, if you think its armored better than the military's vehicles. Don't worry, just sign here. --from viewer Phil, TX
• You're a carpenter? Great, you'll probably be put to work rebuilding houses. You likely won't see any combat and I can guarantee you a job with Habitat for Humanity when you return. --from viewer in TX
• You hate war? So do we! Everybody hates war, and you know the only way to end war forever? Wipe out the terrorists who want to destroy our way of life! Will you do that for your God, your family, your country and our planet? Sign right here. --from viewer in TX
• Hey, the fighting is just about over! We need Governmental Official Operations Battle Exempt Relocation Specialists (GOOBERS) to help the citizenry adapt during the Army's Political Uniform Limitation of Local Operations Utilization Tactic (PULLOUT). --from viewer in TX
• You're a firefighter looking for some action that'll help your career? Dude, in Iraq you'll be in more firefights in a week than you'd see in a year back in Mayberry. By the time you get out, you'll be qualified to be Fire Chief! --from a viewer in TX
• Benefits, son! That's what you look for in a great job - benefits! Beanies! Perks! You need to get in now before the ladyfolk take over the White House and strip away all your beanis! --from viewer in TX
• Of course we need women in the Marines! Who do you think we count on to keep their wits about them when all hell breaks loose in battle and the men forget how to think much less how to do their jobs? --from viewer in TX
• You don't need to worry about Basic Training. You know who their worst enemy is? An angry recruiter, that's who! First sign of trouble, you tell 'em what close friends we are, then call me - collect of course - and I'll set 'em straight in a New York Minute! We're in this together, Buddy! --from viewer Bob, Mountain Springs, TX
• One thing you don't have to worry about - if you end up in a combat zone - very unlikely - and you find out you don't it, all you do is tell your, uh, boss and he'll get you classified as what we call a Conscientious Objector, and before you know it, you'll be re-deployed stateside. --from viewer Bob, Mountain Springs, TX
• You're really smart, so you know War is like a humongous Chess game. The most important Chess pieces, doing the heavy lifting, are the PAWN's (Pre-emptively Attacking Wartime Non-coms). I can tell, you have what it takes to be an excellent PAWN for your President, and it would be criminal to waste such a gift! BTW, don't tell anyone else about the PAWN thing - they'd be jealous. --from a viewer in Texas
• We only send the dumb soldiers to Iraq. The really smart ones, like you, are stationed in Arizona, where there's actually very little combat. --from viewer Al, Milburn, OK
• I see your parents talked you into coming in, so it appears our new campaign is working to find new fodder...er...I mean recruits.
• Hey, dude, Wat up? See how cool we are in the military?
• Who told you we lie about job training, size of bonuses, and the likelihood of being deployed into a battle zone? Who told you that 65% of recruits who sign up for the Montgomery GI Bill receive no money for college? And just because we require a non-refundable $1,200 deposit to sign up for the GI bill, that's only so you won't drop out and we get you for eight years!
• Some guys in the media say we been lying to get more yutes to sign up, but they just don't get it. Telling falsehoods to win an election or a war has been officially defined as "Political Gamesmanship" by our Commander-in-Chief, so we aren't lying to you, we are sharing with you the military's enhanced truth, which trumps the media's civilian truth. Now, who you gonna believe? The men in the middle of the fight or the pansies just watching it on TV? --from a viewer in TX
• Camel spiders? Sure, they're scary looking and they'll climb into your sleeping bag with you, but guess what? They're so friendly, the kids over there use them as teddy bears - they don't ever bite people! --from viewer Gordon, TX
• You're either with us or with the terrorists! --from viewer Tom, Middletown, OH
• It doesn't matter if you don't have a high school diploma, are out-of-shape, or even have a criminal record, we're desperate, so just sign here!
• We are very short of captains because they don't want our extra bonus cash to commit to more service in Iraq, so we can promote you and others much faster so you can become an officer.
• Have you heard we're headed for a Recession? That means fewer jobs and lower wages. The only jobs that are recession-proof are in the military - we don't lay-off workers. These good jobs won't last long, so you better sign up today. You can talk to your parents about it later. They'll be proud of you for making the right decision. --from viewer in TX
• We will make sure you have all of the equipment you need to defend yourself in combat as long as it doesn't interfere with defense contractors making big profits.
• Were you one of those kids who enjoyed torturing your pets and pestering little sisters? Great - we're needing to hire some new interrogators. --from a viewer in TX
• If you're tired of being treated like a kid - told when to sleep and when to get up, what to wear, when to eat, where to go, where to live, where to work, when to do this and do that, man its time for you to decide for youself, to be a real man! Forget about school and work and all that kid stuff! Join us and be a man's man! --from viewer in TX
• Okay, if you insist! We'll throw in a free hearing aid and/or free cochlear implant with your medical benefits because you probably will need one when you return from Iraq.
• Lady! We'll sign you up but you better learn some self defense moves because your chances of being raped or sexually assaulted by another soldier will go way up once you join the military. We have a real problem with that.
• We recommend that someone sends you fresh water because the stuff we get from KBR makes everyone sick.
• That recruiter down the street might have said you had to worry about being raped, but that's just in his branch. We'll actually send you to a special two-week all-woman training school that teaches you how to avoid any and all unwanted attention from men, women and everything in between! --from viewer Warren
• I told you before, we're headed for a Recession! So unless your Daddy's an oil baron, you're gonna be unemployed for the next ten or fifteen years! Unless you sign up now and get one of these great military jobs! You like fixing TV's, don't you? --from a viewer
• Make sure after you sign up you steal as much as you can... because once you complete your duty with us, you're gpnna have real problems finding a decent job.
• Great news! For insiders, like me and you, anyway! We're starting to pull troops outta Iraq - and we ain't gonna send any to replace 'em! I can put you on my list for signing up, but there's no guarantee we'll get down to your name. Keep your fingers crossed. --from a viewer
• Of course we have to stay strong overseas! We don't want the Saudis dropping an A-BOMB on Washington, like the Koreans did on Pearl Harbor, right at the end of the Great War! Sign up now and do your part! --from a viewer
• Since you almost finished high school and then almost went to college before you almost went to jail, I'd say you're almost over qualified to be a Captain, but we'll work something out. --from a viewer
• Looks like our man McCain has a lock on winning the election, so if you want to have it "Made in the Shade" for the next twenty years, you better sign up right now! --from a viewer
• We didn't help those injured soldiers in the VA register to vote because that isn't our job!
• All those comments on ToppleBush.commies are making Texas look bad, like we're a buncha rednecks who don't want to go meet exotic folks one day and shoot 'em the next! That ain't the Texas I know and love, and I bet it ain't, uh, the, uh, yours neither! So get your football team down here to sign up, then let's all go GET SOME! --from a viewer from TX
• I need your help, man! To get out from behind this desk, to get back into battle, I need you and your entire baseball team to sign up for the Recruiters Team Plan. I'll be your leader all the way - through Basic - through Dark Ops - through WMD trainig - then we'll serve worldwide as ONE KICK ASS TEAM! We'll be the first all-baseball-player-strike force. Our motto will be "Ten Men In - Ten Heroes Out" --from viewer in TX
• That government report by the Veterans Affairs Department got it all wrong!! You can't trust these government reports. Returning vets don't get less pay and don't struggle finding jobs much more than civilians do. At least I don't think so. And 30% of returning vets won't get PTSD either. So sign right here, Son!
• Drama Majors? You musta read my e-mail this morning! My CO just told me we need more Drama Majors! For Special Ops and other stuff.
• You heard about the new GI Bill? Yeah, the benefits are gonna improve, but that means we have to raise our standards for recruits. So you better sign up now, while you still qualify. --from viewer Joe, TX
• Don't worry! We'll give you all of the prescription drugs and meds you need even if you are more likely to commit suicide, to cope with multiple tours to Iraq and Afghanistan.
• And we also have lots of untested and unproven meds we pump you full of when you develop PTSDs after multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.
• Don't believe all those stories about the prescription drugs and the untested and unproven meds the VA will give you in the unlikely event you develop PTSD after multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan - those things will make you suicidal, so they quit using them after their last batch was used up. --from Jenna in TX
• Congress has added new benefits for the military, but there's a catch. If you sign up this month, you get 100%. But next month it's just 90%, then it drops to 80%, and so forth, till it gets down to 50%. You better not risk losing any of your beanies; you better sign up now before we get our quota for the month. --from a viewer
• GEORGIA! That's right - Gee-Orr-Gee-Freakin-Aaa! That's where the Ruskies are riot now! How long you thank afore they git to Taxes? NOT VERY, that's how long! Grab a gun, boys, we'll do the paperwork later! --from a viewer
• I know ya'll came in here today because of the traveling video war games we take to county fairs and other places where we can draw big crowds of young people so we can hook you early into joining us? That's why before you can play our cool fun games we always get your name, address and phone number.
• If you thought it was really cool killing people in our Army Experience Center with all of the video games and a replica command and control center, just think how much fun it will be doing this for real? See, if we can make it seem like mostly fun and games, you will want to join us.
• If you want to get good training with us for your White Supremacist movement, just sign here and become one of our many "ghost skins". As long as you don't have any overt racist insignia tattoos or any documented history of being a neo-Nazi, you won't have any problems signing up.
• What's a few extra hundred pounds? Sign up now and we will get your body in shape in no time and ready to fight the terorists.
• PTSD, so what? We'll foot the bill for your meds..remember, women LOVE a man in uniform! Sign up now so you can pick up a few..and some STD's too! --from viewer Kim K, NJ
• Join us and be ARMY strong! Better save up all your dough..you'll need it to pay your hospital bill and home-care expenses after both your legs are blown off! While you're at it, save for decent prosthetics too, because the VA gives ya CRAP!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• Wanna learn how to blow stuff up? We'll teach ya! Then you can join whatever patriot militia thug gang ya wanna!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• Come join us! Then you can come home with traumatic brain injury and collect a big fat VA check --from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• This ain't your Daddy's Marine Corps! We have more toys to kill the bad guys, and if you accidentally kill innocent civilians, no one has to know!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• Fly high in the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE! We'll even take you back if your feet get blown off, make sure you get crappy prostheses, and then you'll get to fly transport planes to cart other sheeples to their fate!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• Don't worry about drinking contaminated water on our bases. We drink it all the time because we like the taste of harmful chemicals. Besides, you won't be able to hold the military liable for any damage from drinking this bad water anyway. [source]
• Deathstalker scorpions? Their sting is harmless like a bee's!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• This ain't your poppa's Navy! We got wimmen now...Tailhook was just guys like us havin' fun.--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• If you love blood, guts, and gore, this is your kind of gig! Just pray that it's not YOU in that body bag!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• The VA also has good plastic surgeons...because you'll need one when half your face is blown off!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• Don't worry about that beer gut! Our MRE's are so terrible, you won't want to even touch 'em! Why risk getting food poisoning. --from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• So what if you're illiterate! We'll teach you how to read those big words on your prescription bottles! You're gonna need those painkillers and antidepressants after the enemy fills you full o' lead! --from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• Wanna play with some cool assault weapons? Come join us and blow innocent people to kingdom come..before they do it to YOU!--from viewer Kim K., Pleasantville, NJ
• If you sign up today, we will throw in a free bottle of pills use can use later to commit suicide. Because once you get out, you probably will want to.
• The military is a great place to be if you like to force yourself sexually upon others. Only 85% of all rapes and sexual assualts even get reported out of 19,000 events like this in the military EVERY year!! Besides, who are they going to report to if you did it? So you will have an excellent chance of getting away with it.

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