couldn't make this up. This morning, the US Department
of the Interior is turning over the Mall in front
of the Washington Monument to Pepsi-Cola Corporation
to promote their new "Pepsi Vanilla."
has gotten the Washington Post's liberal columnists'
knickers in a twist. But they don't know the half
renting the Monument grounds to Pepsi, President
Bush has agreed to re-name the looming recession,
"The Pause That Refreshes."
as part of a larger "re-brand America" campaign,
the National Institute for Health has announced
that the fourth new food group in the 'nutrition
pyramid' after dairy foods, meat and fiber will
be, Fizzy Brown Stuff.
Bush Administration has moved swiftly to respond
to objections to the commercialization of the
nation's heritage sites. The complaints, from
Pepsi rival Coca Cola, will be addressed by re-naming
the Bill of Rights. Attorney General John Ashcroft
is expected to announce today that, "those ten
outdated amendments will be called 'Bill of Rights
Classic,' while the post-PATRIOT Act version will
henceforth be called, 'New Rights Lite.'" A spokesman
for Mr. Ashcroft added that Anne Coulter will
be renamed, simply, "Lite."
Dick Cheney, the nation's Vice-President for Marketing,
has angrily rejected accusations that photos released
by the Defense Department of Saddam Hussein drinking
Diet Dr. Pepper were fabricated for the purpose
of winning public support for our entry into the
cola wars. Cheney has turned down repeated requests
to produce notes of his several meetings with
spokesman at the Park Service indicates the agency
has nixed proposals for a monument to the "Spirit
of the Pioneers" - referring to those who have
given more than $100,000 to Bush family electoral
campaigns. However, the plaque at the Lincoln
Monument has been updated "for accuracy" at the
request of the National Association of Manufacturers
to read, "this government of the lobbyists, by
the lobbyists and for the lobbyists shall not
perish from this earth."
was a muted response from Senate Democrats who
did not want to be seen as disagreeing with the
popular president's rent-a-star program replacing
the American flag's former design with peel-off
coupons for a Pepsi, McMuffin and a large fries.
spokesmen brushed aside government watchdog groups
complaints that several federal agencies had encouraged
civil servants in the Washington area to take
the day off to attend festivities. "Heck," said
Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor, "That's nothing.
Today, we're announcing that the President has
given more than NINE MILLION Americans the day
off from work Š maybe they'll get the whole year!"
from his golf cart at his ranch in Crawford, Texas,
a confident President Bush reassured reporters,
"Despite the nay-sayers and doom-sayers, the Pepsification
of America is proceeding as planned." Noting that
the Pepsi Vanilla extravaganza will be coordinated
with the launch of the 2003 National Football
League season, the President said, "It's time
to stop the quibbling and support our boys in
hey," the confident commander-in-chief added,
"if we can go to war for Exxon, what's the big
deal about renting the Mall to Pepsi?"
Palast is author of the New York Times bestseller,
The Best Democracy Money Can Buy. Subscribe to
his writings for Britain's Observer and Guardian
newspapers, and view his investigative reports
for BBC Television's Newsnight, at www.GregPalast.com.
September 5, 2003