me puzzle out Iraq. I'm just a country boy, and
don't understand Advanced Thought, or high strategy,
or anything else. I admit it. Tell me about Iraq--quick,
'cause it seems to be blowing itself all to flinders,
and it's hard to study something the which there
ain't no more.
as I understand it from the White House itself,
it's all because of three diehard Saddamites,
two terrorists, and an outside agitator. Yes.
The White House says ninety-nine and forty-four
one-hundredths percent of Iraqis love us, and
want us to bomb them and invade them, and starve
them with embargos, and only a few soreheads don't
like it. And I believe the White House. You can
only lie so long before you slip up and tell the
truth. I figure they're about due.
I think is, those rascally diehards and the outside
agitator must be fast. I mean, they get from city
to city so quick they make it seem like the whole
country wants us to go somewhere else, anywhere
else, when really they all love us. If I worked
for them Nike shoe people, I believe I'd get those
terrorists to sign an advertising contract. Michael
Jordan was swift, but compared to these guys he's
a federal program.
I want to understand about strategy. Yesterday,
it said on CNN, the White House bombed a mosque
full of people and killed forty of them, to make
them democratic. It was because the two terrorists
or maybe the outside agitator was inside. Being
as I am unwashed and don't know much, I'd have
said it wasn't the shiniest thought in the idea
basket. You got a country full of people who take
religion real serious, and so you bomb a church
in the middle of services.
what do I know? Somebody called Mark Kimmitt,
a brigadier general, said to CNN, "When you start
using a religious location for military purposes,
it loses its protected status." If they hid in
mosques again, we'd bomb them again, he said.
that he has explained it, it makes sense to me.
If bombing one church doesn't make them democratic,
and love us, then bombing some more churches will.
It wouldn't fly in West Virginia, but that's a
different culture. Arabs like being bombed.
folks would say Kimmitt has to be dumber than
a bucket of catfish. I'm less sanguine. I've known
catfish. Kimmel makes a catfish look like Fifth
Century Athens. If I were part of the Iraqi Resistance,
I couldn't think of anything I'd like more than
some damn fool blowing up mosques. It would save
fortunes on recruiting expenses.
I lived in Alabama, which never invaded Arab countries--we
figured it was none of our business--people used
to say as how the two greatest Confederate generals
were George McClellan and Ambrose Burnside. I
reckon the two most effective outside agitators
must be Kimmitt and Paul Bremer.
I don't know much about the White House. I never
get calls from Mr. Bush, or his ventriloquists.
Still, I figure he must know a lot about the Middle
East. I guess he must speak several languages
as well as a little English. General Sanchez in
Baghdad and all the American officials speak good
Arabic of course. They must. Bush especially must
speak Arabic. Why, it's practically a second language
in Texas. It wouldn't make sense to send people
to Iraq who couldn't talk a lick of the local
lingo and barely knew where they were. Don't you
thing the White House has done real well is housetrain
the press. Even I can see that. Reporters today
are well behaved suckups, like those fuzzy little
lapdogs you could glue to a stick and use for
a duster. Notice how we never hear anything about
old Saddam? (Note that I'm on first-name terms
with him.) I guess it's not our business, and
the papers aren't going to ask. Ever hear honest
interviews with the troops in Iraq? Naw. That's
not our business either. I mean, they're not our
sons, brothers, husbands and neighbors or anything.
you can bet that ninety-nine and forty-four one-hundredths
percent of our soldiers love what they're doing,
and care deeply about democracy in Iraq, wherever
see hope, howsomever. I have read that we are
getting advice from Israel on pacifying Moslems.
You know: When we think one of the three diehards,
two terrorists, or the outside agitator might
own a house, we bulldoze it and punish the entire
town. (It's starting to look as if diehards own
most of the houses in Iraq. I guess we're fighting
a war against real-estate magnates. Maybe if we
raised mortgage rates...)
and other traitors say that the Israelis are the
most provably clueless people alive when it comes
to pacifying Moslems. They've been at it for fifty
years and some guy still blows up in a shopping
mall every twenty seconds. This isn't fair. Americans
are impatient people. Things take time. Given
that there are more Iraqis than Palestinians,
I figure we'll get the job done in about three
hundred years. If we send more troops.
some people tell me that I'm all soft and squishy
on terrorism and need to learn about realpolitik.
They may be right. As best I can see, realpolitik
is a mood of self-congratulatory pugnacity accompanied
by complete witlessness about how people work.
It is usually associated with paranoia and the
empathy of a table-leg. And it isn't spelled well.
realpoliticky friends tell me that what we need
to do is teach these people a sharp lesson. If
somebody shoots at us from the town of Falafel,
we should destroy the city. That'll show'em, bowwow,
grr, woof. There is a certain logic to this. Dead
people are inherently peaceful. In classical antiquity
armies put cities to the sword, adults, children,
dogs, and gold fish. It sure enough pacified them.
that's what we're doing. As I write this, CNN
says Mr. Bush is attacking Falafel, or maybe it
was Wahabi, with an AC-130 Spectre gunship. Spectre
makes a pretty good sword. In another life as
a military columnist I flew in those things, then
the H model though they're probably U's now. If
memory serves, they now have a 105 howitzer, 40mm
Bofors, and 25mm Gatling stuck out one side. Spray
a city with those, and they'll love freedom, I
say. And us, too. I always love people that blow
up my neighborhood. Don't you?
I think is, the Iraqis need to learn that democracy
isn't easy, and doesn't come cheap.
Posted: April 12, 2004