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Dirtbags Moral leaders in America
by Bryan Zepp Jamieson
Zepp's Commentaries
July 16, 2004

Lots of cacklin' and cluckin' over in the old right wing barnyards on cable TV and in the right wing press this past couple of days.

Seems that Whoopi Goldberg said something rude about the President and female genitalia, and right wingers, who up until now had always thought that Whoopi Goldberg was demure, well-spoken and white, were shocked speechless. Well, speechless except for the incessant yelling and complaining and whining.

So what did Whoopi say that upset the right wingers so badly? "Let's get Bush out of the White House and back where it belongs!" -- and then [gasp] she pointed to her crotch.

With Bushes running for President ever since 1976, I'm amazed nobody ever thought of that one before. Bush. Woman's crotch. Ha ha ha ha! I'm just heartsick that I didn't think of it first.

Well, now I understand all the clucking and cackling. Slimefest, or whatever the name of the company was that had Whoopi for a spokesperson, fired her, and rightly so. Let this be a lesson to all of us that if we say anything vaguely off color or politically objectionable, we can expect to lose our jobs and otherwise be severely punished. That's what freedom in America is all about, goddammit.

Fortunately for the rest of us, there are endless numbers of moral paragons among right wingers to counterbalance the disturbing influence of the Whoopi Goldbergs out there, particularly the grammatical construction in this sentence that suggests that there might be more than one Whoopi Goldberg.

We can ignore examples such as Jack Ryan, who tried to get then-wife and movie star Jeri Ryan to perform public sex acts at clubs, or Tom Delay, whose endless parade of personal slime now includes allegations that he pressured Enron into donating a quarter million dollars to promote the redistricting scheme in the Texas lege. Enron, illegal donations for gerrymandering. And Enron is so radioactive after the Grandma Millie thing. Why, might as well learn that the White House secretly holds videotapes of soldiers buggering little boys! It's up there on the sleaze scale.

But there are paragons out there, trust me.

Take the Washington Post, for example. The Post, in a daring stand, opined that plans by the administration to postpone or cancel the election (so terrorists can't interfere with our democratic process, y'understand) were not only "useful" but "acceptable." It takes courage for a major newspaper to sell out its readers, its country, and itself like that.

So the Post gets the Whoopi Cushion Award for Courage in Journalism, right wing style.

Then there's Tucker Carlson. In an effort to follow the GOP talking points and degrade John Edwards for being "a trial lawyer" (like the ones Tom DeLay, Dick Cheney and George W all hired recently, eeyesss), he referred to Edwards' most famous case as "specializing in Jacuzzi cases." Bartcop ran this little bit, written by one Charles Pierce: "[N]ot only should Tucker Carlson have lost every job in the professional media that he has, and not only did he lose forever any right to criticize anyone for intemperate speech, he at that moment should have been shunned by decent people for the rest of his sorry life." (Bartcop, like me, has fond memories of Tucker Carlson smearing our friend Steve Kangas, who died under mysterious circumstances in a bathroom late at night in the upper floors of Richard Aieles' Pittsburgh tower. Tucker presented Steve as a deranged would-be killer who committed suicide by shooting himself in the head, pausing only once to reload.)

Aw, lighten up, Charlie. Geez. You would think that we were talking about the President hiding tapes of soldiers buggering little boys or something. All that happened in that "jacuzzi case" was that an eight year old girl's bottom came in contact with a malfunctioning pump in a swimming pool, and her intestines were ripped right out of her through her swimsuit and through her anus. Gosh, I bet that stung. It's not like the little girl died or something; after nine years of monstrous pain, she is still alive, being fed through a tube 12 hours a day. That lousy Edwards got the pump manufacturer to cough up $25 million to cover her medical bills. That sleazy cad!

So Tucker Carlson gets the Whoopi Cushion award for conservative compassion and respect for people who endure the sorts of things in life that really should be happening to Tucker instead.

Iyad Allawi, the handpicked guy the US wants to replace Saddam Hussein in the lives of the Iraqi people, is doing an even better job of that than anyone imagined he would. The former Hussein thug was already renowned in Baa'tist medical circles for his innovative and unique experiments on prisoners (paging Doctor Mengele).

Seems that several days before he became prime minister -- America's own prime minister -- of Iraq, he celebrated by walking into a police station and summarily executing six prisoners with his handy little sidearm. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, Allawi shot me down. Just to show he was a tough but fair law and order kinda guy, you see.

I used to joke that we didn't know that "No child left behind" meant "no survivors." Similarly, when the admin spoke of "replacing Saddam," we thought they had something in mind other than an exact duplicate. Right down to being one of America's bright ideas in the first place.

So George W. Putsch and Iyad Allawi share the Whoopi Cushion award for Striving to Inflict American Morals and Values in the name of Freedom and Democracy.

Finally, the big Whoopi Cushion award for the White House hiding videotapes that show American soldiers buggering little boys goes to the Bushman his only self, the mons veneris of the body politic, George W. Putsch.

Seems that Seymour Hersh, the renowned investigative journalist who broke the original story of Abu Ghraib, and started his career by uncovering a little moral slipup by the army at a place called My Lai, is claiming that...the White House has videotape of American soldiers buggering little boys in Abu Ghraib prison. "The boys were sodomised with the cameras rolling, and the worst part is the soundtrack, of the boys shrieking. And this is your government at war."

That's the great thing about the fascist American right. They have a way of showing you that no matter how rude Whoopi Goldberg gets, there is much more to life that we can savor, and that despite Whoopi, there is true right wing morality and decency in the world.

Topplebush.com
Posted: July 17, 2004

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