of cacklin' and cluckin' over in the old right
wing barnyards on cable TV and in the right wing
press this past couple of days.
that Whoopi Goldberg said something rude about
the President and female genitalia, and right
wingers, who up until now had always thought that
Whoopi Goldberg was demure, well-spoken and white,
were shocked speechless. Well, speechless except
for the incessant yelling and complaining and
what did Whoopi say that upset the right wingers
so badly? "Let's get Bush out of the White House
and back where it belongs!" -- and then [gasp]
she pointed to her crotch.
Bushes running for President ever since 1976,
I'm amazed nobody ever thought of that one before.
Bush. Woman's crotch. Ha ha ha ha! I'm just heartsick
that I didn't think of it first.
now I understand all the clucking and cackling.
Slimefest, or whatever the name of the company
was that had Whoopi for a spokesperson, fired
her, and rightly so. Let this be a lesson to all
of us that if we say anything vaguely off color
or politically objectionable, we can expect to
lose our jobs and otherwise be severely punished.
That's what freedom in America is all about, goddammit.
for the rest of us, there are endless numbers
of moral paragons among right wingers to counterbalance
the disturbing influence of the Whoopi Goldbergs
out there, particularly the grammatical construction
in this sentence that suggests that there might
be more than one Whoopi Goldberg.
can ignore examples such as Jack Ryan, who tried
to get then-wife and movie star Jeri Ryan to perform
public sex acts at clubs, or Tom Delay, whose
endless parade of personal slime now includes
allegations that he pressured Enron into donating
a quarter million dollars to promote the redistricting
scheme in the Texas lege. Enron, illegal donations
for gerrymandering. And Enron is so radioactive
after the Grandma Millie thing. Why, might as
well learn that the White House secretly holds
videotapes of soldiers buggering little boys!
It's up there on the sleaze scale.
there are paragons out there, trust me.
the Washington Post, for example. The Post, in
a daring stand, opined that plans by the administration
to postpone or cancel the election (so terrorists
can't interfere with our democratic process, y'understand)
were not only "useful" but "acceptable." It takes
courage for a major newspaper to sell out its
readers, its country, and itself like that.
the Post gets the Whoopi Cushion Award for Courage
in Journalism, right wing style.
there's Tucker Carlson. In an effort to follow
the GOP talking points and degrade John Edwards
for being "a trial lawyer" (like the ones Tom
DeLay, Dick Cheney and George W all hired recently,
eeyesss), he referred to Edwards' most famous
case as "specializing in Jacuzzi cases." Bartcop
ran this little bit, written by one Charles Pierce:
"[N]ot only should Tucker Carlson have lost every
job in the professional media that he has, and
not only did he lose forever any right to criticize
anyone for intemperate speech, he at that moment
should have been shunned by decent people for
the rest of his sorry life." (Bartcop, like me,
has fond memories of Tucker Carlson smearing our
friend Steve Kangas, who died under mysterious
circumstances in a bathroom late at night in the
upper floors of Richard Aieles' Pittsburgh tower.
Tucker presented Steve as a deranged would-be
killer who committed suicide by shooting himself
in the head, pausing only once to reload.)
lighten up, Charlie. Geez. You would think that
we were talking about the President hiding tapes
of soldiers buggering little boys or something.
All that happened in that "jacuzzi case" was that
an eight year old girl's bottom came in contact
with a malfunctioning pump in a swimming pool,
and her intestines were ripped right out of her
through her swimsuit and through her anus. Gosh,
I bet that stung. It's not like the little girl
died or something; after nine years of monstrous
pain, she is still alive, being fed through a
tube 12 hours a day. That lousy Edwards got the
pump manufacturer to cough up $25 million to cover
her medical bills. That sleazy cad!
Tucker Carlson gets the Whoopi Cushion award for
conservative compassion and respect for people
who endure the sorts of things in life that really
should be happening to Tucker instead.
Allawi, the handpicked guy the US wants to replace
Saddam Hussein in the lives of the Iraqi people,
is doing an even better job of that than anyone
imagined he would. The former Hussein thug was
already renowned in Baa'tist medical circles for
his innovative and unique experiments on prisoners
(paging Doctor Mengele).
that several days before he became prime minister
-- America's own prime minister -- of Iraq, he celebrated
by walking into a police station and summarily
executing six prisoners with his handy little
sidearm. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, Allawi
shot me down. Just to show he was a tough but
fair law and order kinda guy, you see.
used to joke that we didn't know that "No child
left behind" meant "no survivors." Similarly,
when the admin spoke of "replacing Saddam," we
thought they had something in mind other than
an exact duplicate. Right down to being one of
America's bright ideas in the first place.
George W. Putsch and Iyad Allawi share the Whoopi
Cushion award for Striving to Inflict American
Morals and Values in the name of Freedom and Democracy.
the big Whoopi Cushion award for the White House
hiding videotapes that show American soldiers
buggering little boys goes to the Bushman his
only self, the mons veneris of the body politic,
George W. Putsch.
that Seymour Hersh, the renowned investigative
journalist who broke the original story of Abu
Ghraib, and started his career by uncovering a
little moral slipup by the army at a place called
My Lai, is claiming that...the White House has
videotape of American soldiers buggering little
boys in Abu Ghraib prison. "The boys were sodomised
with the cameras rolling, and the worst part is
the soundtrack, of the boys shrieking. And this
is your government at war."
the great thing about the fascist American right.
They have a way of showing you that no matter
how rude Whoopi Goldberg gets, there is much more
to life that we can savor, and that despite Whoopi,
there is true right wing morality and decency
in the world.
Posted: July 17, 2004