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Hurricane Warning Real Science for Real Americans
by Bryan Zepp Jamieson
Zepp's Commentaries
August 4, 2004

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the media. For those who were unable to attend this afternoon at the White House Rose Garden, my name is John Daly, and I have the honor and privilege of serving as the director of this bureau at the pleasure of President Bush. I want to reiterate what I said to the President this afternoon, which is that I plan to restore this department to the values and integrity it enjoyed in the past, and which has been in such decline in the past fifty years. These reflect our President's hopes and dreams, and his hopes and dreams are my hopes and dreams, as they are of every person in this room. As our president told us this afternoon, it is important that vital agencies like ours reflect those very values and integrity that are the bedrock of the American people, and if we never stray from them, we will present the American people with the information and news that they deserve.

Before we discuss the latest meteorological developments, I want to let you know that concurrent with my appointment by the United States Senate, the name of the National Weather Service has been changed, and is now to be known henceforth as The Weather Bureau. Some of the more experienced reporters present - Hello, Helen - may remember that this was the original name of this department.

During my tenure as professor of earth and aeronautic sciences at the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine, I had ample opportunity to see the decline of the Weather Bureau due to the infusion of ideologically-driven "junk" science. Most weather work being done by the government over the past 50 years has been on the level of tribal shamans who crouched before a scattering of chicken bones, peering intently at them in order to divine the future fortunes of his tribe. The staff of the old National Weather Service betrayed their solemn duty to bring true science to the American people, working instead to scare them to death with pathetic fantasies about so-called "global warming" and shifting weather patterns. As our President noted, it was a perversion of science in order to promote the liberal politics of hate and fear, efforts to destroy American technology and industry.

Because of recent court decisions rendered against the American people in the cases of employees using trial lawyers to force employers to keep them whether they could work competently or not, as we saw recently in the Office of Management and Budget, and the United State Forest Service, we cannot simply fire these people. We have, however, created a new division within the Weather Bureau, the Weather Reporting Office of the National Government, where the employees are encouraged to write papers and synopses and send them to Mother Jones and the National Geographic and other liberal outlets, and they can no longer frighten people with their venomous hatred of American progress.

Why, you ask, did we change the name back to "The Weather Bureau"? It's simple: I wished to restore to this department the simple respect and trust that weathermen before world war two so justly received from a grateful nation. In those days, the weatherman was counted upon to give weather forecasts in simple, direct terms. They didn't wave away the evidence of gross misconduct and incompetence with such useless terms as "fifty percent chance of rain tomorrow" - in the old days, the kindly old weatherman either said it would rain, or it would not. Even when his predictions proved inaccurate, people knew that there was a voice of certainty that would work only to serve their best interests and give them solid forecasts that they could believe in.

Not only does the change of name reflect the department's new self-image and image that it wishes to share with the great and loyal American people, but it also reflects my determination to change the way things have been done around here. We're getting rid of all the junk science, and the in-group gobbledegook of such phrases as "Omega ridge," or "occluded front," or "isobars." In my experience, such terminology does nothing to contribute to the knowledge of the American people, and instead just frustrates them. Weathermen from now on will keep forecasts simple and direct. "Showers tomorrow, high 76" - that kind of thing.

We're getting rid of the uncaring and ideological bureaucrats of the old National Weather Service, and replacing them with the kindly old weatherman of our youth who told us what we needed to know about tomorrow's weather - nothing more, and nothing less.

One of my first acts as Director of the Weather Bureau has been to order the cessation of use of the so-called "weather satellites" up there in space. That has been a massive and expensive fraud perpetrated on the American people for over 40 years now, and it's time it came to an end.

I see some confused expressions out there. Let me ask you the question they won't let you ask in our government schools: what is the point of putting one of these "weather satellites" up in outer space, when everyone knows there is no weather in outer space?

You see how pervasive the propaganda is? I can tell, just by looking at this audience, that none of you had ever thought of that before! From now on, our weather instruments are going to be right down here on planet earth, measuring weather where the weather is, and not up in the Crab Nebula or the Pleiades or whatever it is they call it.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Doctor John Daly, recently of the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine, and I'm here to restore weather forecasting to the American people. I'll now open the floor to questions. Yes?

...The Weather Bureau did issue a Hurricane Warning for Florida and Louisiana this morning, that is correct. It is our expert opinion that a tropical wave has formed over Western Africa and is currently crossing the Atlantic, and will hit southern Florida with unprecedented ferocity in about five days. If you look in your press briefing packs you will find the forecasts, along with some imagery that we just got this morning.

The threat is extremely well documented, and very explicit. This soon-to-be Category four hurricane will destroy thousands of homes in south Florida, and having traversed the state, with regain strength over the Gulf of Mexico, and proceed to batter Louisiana and Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, America is a country in danger tonight...

...Yes, I'm aware that it is February. If hurricanes can threaten America in August or May or whenever, then there's no reason why they can't strike in February. If terrorists never take time off for vacation, what makes anyone think that hurricanes would?...

...The date on the synopsis? Yes, it does say August 7, 1992. What you have in your hands is the very earliest data we were able to obtain on Hurricane Andrew, the gigantic storm that devastated much of Florida and Louisiana. It is our opinion that the present tropical wave is following an identical pattern, and will cause great damage. I want to stress that residents of Florida and the Gulf States should stock up immediately on emergency provisions, bottled water, and get plywood up over their windows...

...I'm afraid we don't have any images of the tropical wave. It is, after all, just a bunch of warm, moist air. Air doesn't photograph well, and the results are usually pretty boring. We elected to save the film...

...Helen, I'm aware that many of our observers recently were in the bottled water and emergency rations business. They have given up salaries that were much more lucrative in the private sector in order to serve the public heroically and selflessly, and Helen, I must say I take exception to the tone of that question. I see now why you are not permitted within 500 yards of the White House. Gentlemen, please escort Miz Thomas outside, thank you...

...Are there any more questions? No? Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for attending our inaugural press conference, and I trust you will work to let the public know that their new and improved Weather Bureau is going to be using Real American Science to give Real Americans the knowledge they so richly deserve. Thank you, and good night.

Posted: August 4, 2004


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