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Patsies Cheney/Putsch target voters who draw three to a flush
by Bryan Zepp Jamieson
Zepp's Commentaries
September 25, 2004

Ah, you gotta love those Republican morals.

Yusef Islam, who once upon a time was a rock musician named Cat Stevens (and sadly, most of my readers are so old they know who the hell I'm talking about) was turned away at the US border, apparently for being in possession of an Islamic name. Islam, who once supported the fatwa against Salman Rushdie and advocated his death, has mellowed over the years, recanting his ill-considered sentiments and becoming an advocate for peace and a staunch foe of terrorism. That was good enough for the Putsch junta, which declared him a terrorist and said he couldn't come in to visit. Although two weeks earlier, it was ok.

The very same day, they had the "interim Prime Minister" of the roiling chaos once known as Iraq address a joint session of Congress. Iyad Allawi stood before Congress, receiving the signal honor once reserved for World Leaders such as Winston Churchill, as a man who put his degree in neurology to good use in devising ever more painful forms of torture for Saddam Hussein. More recently, he celebrated being named head puppet for the US by going to the local police station and randomly shooting six prisoners to death as he strolled past their cells. He was here to reassure Congress that Iraq would be free and Democratic by next January.

It would be like exiling Charles Lindbergh for his pro-nazi sentiments while having Dr. Josef Mengele address Congress on health care. That's how far America has fallen under the despicable Putsch regime.

One of the few justifications left for invading Iraq is "well, at least we got rid of that vile Saddam Hussein." This doesn't explain why we replaced him with someone who may just be even more vile (and when it comes to ratbaggery, Allawi is right on a level with Uday and Ousay Hussein, only not dead).

It also doesn't explain why America is still killing Iraqis, if the goal was simply to get rid of Saddam.

While George and Allawi were cuddling and making pretty smiles for the camera, Dick Cheney was running around warning that if Democrats got elected, terrorists would strike America again. As best I can tell, Dick Cheney has some sort of control over terrorists, and WANTS them to strike America if the election doesn't go the way Dick Cheney thinks it should. I'm waiting to see if Cheney warns Florida voters that if Putsch doesn't get elected, they can expect even more hurricanes.

Cheney's control over terrorist attacks would explain why, over the past three years, not only has America failed to capture the man believed responsible for 9/11, but it has gone out of its way to make the world more convenient for terrorists. That way, Cheney has something to threaten the American people with as a campaign tool.

Maybe Cheney has been getting leadership tips from Allawi.

Allawi must be a good guy. After all, he addressed Congress, and is a founding member of the Murderous Bastards Against Terrorism club. We need more murderous bastards to help show America the way.

And of course, Republicans are pretty good at showing Americans the way. Now, I'm not talking about the stupid and easily frightened Americans who Dick Cheney is trying to reach.


I'm talking about Americans who love and fear God, and revere his majesty, and will do anything for him because he loves America, but, um needs a little help in getting control of America. Oh, he's been doing a good job of pounding Florida to a pulp this past month, but that's only one state. There are forty-nine other states, and as god knows better than just about anybody, they all have electoral votes too.

That's where the RNC comes in. They sent out a mass mailing claiming that Democrats want to ban the bible.

Now, you probably know that most Democrats are Christians. That right there would seem to make it unlikely that the party would want to ban the bible. Among the more secular Democrats, there are many who have had at least some education, and know the utter futility involved in trying to ban any particular religion. I run around declaring that fundamentalism is a genetic disorder and someday science will find a cure, and even I don't want to ban the bible.

Nobody wants to ban the bible. Only a moron would believe...

Oh. Right. Targeted advertising. The GOP is reaching out to their core demographic.


Think about it.

In poker, a group of players often includes one known as "The Patsy." The Patsy is an incurable optimist who doesn't understand odds and thus serves as cash cow for the other players.

Poker players have a belief about patsies. If you sit down at an ongoing game, after a few hands you should look around and see who the patsy is. If you can't figure out who it is, that means you're it.

You're the patsy.

Are you one of the morons targeted by the Putsch junta?

Do you find it insane that they parade a vicious thug like Allawi before Congress, and assure us all he is really a cross between Winston Churchill and Thomas Jefferson and will lead Iraq to the promised land of peace and democracy?

Do you believe Dick Cheney is trying to reassure you when he says that if you vote for the wrong guy, you'll get hit by a terrorist attack?

Do you really think Democrats are evil satanists who want to ban your bible?

If you respond by saying, "only a moron would think those things," then you aren't a moron.

If you thought, "Oh, he's just trying to smear Bush," then you're at the table, but you don't know who the patsy is.

And Karl Rove is smiling at you in an avuncular and proprietary way...

Note: As I was writing this piece, one of my wind-blown friends from the American south emailed me this. It seemed to fit.

CSPAN's Washington Journal, September 23, 2004


PETER SLEN, HOST: Kenner, Louisiana, good morning.

CALLER (in a very airy voice): Good morning. I'm going to vote for President Bush because, after all, you know, God made us there, you know, in His image, free from any black color and all [Host looks up, surprised]. The only church that Kerry can go to is where they say the Black Mass, and that is in the Merriam-Webster Pocket Book dictionary, where it says that that is the devil worshippers. [Host looks uncomfortably off-camera, at producer?] I would never vote for, you know, Senator Kerry's every effort to give you the same booth again, or very near. So, definitely, I would never vote for, you know, Senator Kerry.

And that isn't the only reason. Also, in the Bible, God said . God . that, uh, also, like (unintelligible) and faggots, that he says, anybody that lays down with another man and has sex with his own sex, and any woman that lays down with another woman and has sex should be put to death and their blood upon them. It also says that about interracial marriages and everything. So that's the reason why I'm voting for my president, Bush.

SLEN: What do you do in, uh .

CALLER: And that isn't the only reason. They also have other reasons also. The other reason is political, because like the political terrorists, they've been out there for eight months, and they've been out on the road, and they've been talking about . they've talked against our president. They put him down in every way. And God knows that that is wrong. He's out there doing God's work. He's taking care of all our children.

Like when Clinton was in, he made - he tried to make whores and faggots out of our little girls - whores out of our little girls. He put the pornography in the schools. And God's gonna condemn him for that.

SLEN: What do you do in Kenner?

CALLER (talking over question): And that's the reason why . he even went to the hospital and everything.

SLEN: Caller, what do you do in Kenner, Louisiana?

CALLER: Pardon me?

SLEN: What do you do in Kenner? Do you have a job?

CALLER: I'm a housewife.

SLEN: A housewife? Where do you go to church?

CALLER: I go to different churches. I go to, sometimes, in New Orleans, I go to the Cathedral. And I believe in my God, and I know that God is here to protect everybody. And if Kerry comes in . God helped the whole world, because God loved . Kerry . oh, that's another thing .

SLEN (cutting her off): Thanks, caller. I'm afraid - I'm afraid we're out of time. I wish I could let you go on, but I'm afraid we're out of time.

Posted: September 29, 2004


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