So let's set the record straight. Sarah Pahlen (sp?) is not onlymore qualified for the Oval Office than Barack Obama -- she might just be themost qualified political candidate in our nation's history:
1. Putting Country First - Her membership in the Alaska Independence Party proves that she's exactly the kind of leader America needs: the kind that will always put country first -- even if that country happens to be The Republic of Alaska. Obama claims he loves America -- but has he ever loved it enough to favor seceding from it? It's called tough love, Senator. Look into it.
2. Independence - Sarah hates indicted Senator Ted Stevens, but raised money for him. She hates the "bridge to nowhere," but supported it. She wants to shatter Hillary's glass ceiling, but wears t-shirts touting the size of her boobs. We're dealing with an innovative politician; one who refuses to be categorized. Obama may call himself the candidate of "change," but Sarah Pailen's (sp?) entire political life has been about saying one thing, and then doing another. Nowthat's "change we can believe in."
3. Family Values - This is someone who's not afraid to preach abstinence foryour daughter, even though herown unmarried 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. This is someone who's not afraid to hop on a plane from Texas to Alaska while she's in premature labor. This is someone who's not afraid to hit the campaign trail with a 5-month-old special needs baby. That's what I call dedication to family. Obama, on the other hand? A Muslim.
4. Intellect - Yes, Sarah recently admitted that she didn't know exactly what it was the Vice President did. Yes, she wants creationism taught in public schools. Yes, she doesn't believe global warming is manmade. But I'd like to point out the fact that she wears glasses -- and that's not something dumb people generally do. Obama? No glasses.
5. Military Affairs - As Governor, Pollen (sp?) is authorized to deploy Alaska's National Guard in times of emergency. And while the Guard's Adjunct General admits that she plays no role in national defense, and isn't briefed on military exercises, the fact is -- she's been photographed holding a machine gun, while Obama has yet to wield so much as a .38 for the cameras. When it comes to keeping me safe, that's all I need to know.
6. Foreign Affairs - While Obama likes to take Middle East tours, meet with Europe's leaders, and brag about his running mate being the foreign policy voice of the Senate, he can't hold a candle to Palenn's (sp?) understanding of today's complex, dangerous world. Yes, Sarah admitted that she hadn't paid much attention to the war in Iraq, but she knew enough to rightly call it a "task from God." Yes, she's only left North America once in her life, but her experience as a local sportscaster gave her the ability to follow events as they unfold at lightning speed. And as Cindy McCain pointed out, while Barack Obama was sipping lattes in Cambridge Square, Sarah Pinkston (sp?) was staring down the barrel of Putin's Kalashnikov -- a one woman wall keeping America safe from invasion.
7. Restoring America's Image - Who better than a former beauty queen to add some new luster to America's battered image? Paylen (sp?) will take a proverbial can of Aqua Net to our nation's unruly hair, and apply liberal (no pun intended) amounts of blush to Lady Liberty's cheekbones. In a word, she'll dazzle the world with her charm and style. Even the most anti-Western extremists will melt when they see thePeople andVanity Fair spreads of Sarah warming her fur-lined extremities over burning science textbooks. And how would Obama restore our leadership in the world? The question we should be asking is: why does he only havetwo children, while Sarah has at leasttwice that number? What does Senator Obama have against America's children?
8. Her Soul - In one 15-minute meeting, and one follow-up phone call, John McCain was able to determine that Sarah was more than his running mate -- she was his "soul mate." Not only that, but that she was more qualified to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office than any Republican on earth. Yes, this is a testament to the power and quickness of McCain's decision making. But it's also a testament to the power of Sarah Payton's (sp?) soul. As a Muslim, it's not even clear that Obamahas a soul.
So is Sarah Pillston (sp?) qualified to be Vice President? To be one bad biopsy away from being the most powerful human being on earth? To lead America back to prominence and prosperity, while keeping us safe from a world of ever-changing threats?
In her own words: "Yup...yup."
Seth Grahame-Smith is the founder of HomelandApology.org, posted on 9/2/08