God tells Tim Tebow to knock it off!!, satire by topplebush.com
DENVER, CO - Sports Authority Field at Mile High (Topplebush Wire Service). In an email just obtained by Topplebush Wire Service and released to the media, God blasted Tim Tebow, the Denver Bronco's quarterback, for thanking and praising him during football games and during interviews with the sports media. He also warned Tebow and all other athletes to stop using him as a reason for their wins, performance, or anything else. God stated clearly, "I have absolutely nothing to do with your life or how it turns out or what happens to you or your team."
God also made it clear in the Tebow email that he doesn't micromanage anything in the universe nor does he have the time or desire to do so. "I am just a projection of your imagination, fears and aspirations, and that's it!! You're all on your own," he said.
But in a somewhat contradictory statement, God also said he bet heavily on the Patriots to win the AFC divisional playoff game over Tebow's Broncos and was glad they covered the big point spread. Claiming it was sacrilegious, God also admonished Tebow for painting John 3:16 under his eyes during football games and warned all athletes and their fans in attendance to stop exploiting biblical verse that way.
God ended by saying, "Fans screaming and rooting for their team while drinking beer and getting plastered while holding up John 3:16 banners doesn't sit well with me. It should be perfectly clear to everyone that if I really had the ability to intervene in your lives I would have punished you a long time ago for behaving that way."