Dubya War Glossary
By Geov Parrish,
in all military actions (can we really call
this one-sided massacre a "war"?),
government and media advocacy for the planned
U.S. invasion of Iraq has introduced a number
of confusing new words and phrases, or new usages
of existing ones, to the English language. Since
many of these are directly opposite of their
intuitive meanings, we present here, for your
helpful reference, a guide to some of these
new linguistic developments. Keep this guide
handy by your TV for the next time Bush, Rumsfeld,
Wolfowitz, Franks, or any of their minions appear
on your screen!
The Dubya War Glossary
allies n. Tony Blair.
collateral damage obs. The hapless
schmucks that happen to be in the way when the
U.S. bombs civilian facilities or residential
neighborhoods. When they do it to us, it is
called terrorism. No longer commonly
used; such deaths are now ignored entirely.
Other obsolete words and phrases include "Osama
bin Laden," "Afghanistan," "budget
surplus," "economy," "environment,"
"corporate scandals," "education,"
"civil liberties," "Constitution,"
"Guantanamo Bay," and "the
end of the war."
democracy n. The ideal form of
a political system ñ now used interchangeably
with the economic system called "capitalism"
ñ in which a handful of wealthy people with
occasional minor policy differences take turns
enriching their patrons and being elected by
a citizenry that is allowed no other choices.
E.g.: "We intend to turn Iraq into a
democracy, just like the United States."
deterrent n. A category of military
weapons that includes massive nuclear arsenals,
space-based nuclear and laser weapons, and chemical
and biological weapons research. Only applies
when possessed by the United States See:
Weapons of Mass Destruction
disarm v. To blow to smithereens.
E.g.: "Saddam Hussein's destruction
of his missiles is an impediment to U.S. plans
to disarmSaddam Hussein."
due process n. When George Bush
decides a terrorist gets the process
that he is due. See: unlawful combatant;
embed v. To engage in an act of
prostitution. E.g.: "Hundreds of U.S.
media outlets have elected to cover the war
by having their reporters embedded in
an American military unit."
empire abbr. A shortened form
of the phrase "American empire."
A state in which 196 countries are eternally
grateful, or should be, for being plundered
by the 197th. See: democracy
homeland n. That portion of empire
which got ignored because the "Department
of Defense" is no longer used for defending.
oil n. Booty.
Old Europe n. Formerly "allies."
A collection of countries too stuck in the mud,
or jealous, to welcome empire. See
peace n. The mythical state achieved
when the United States has a complete global
monopoly on the use of military force. Not to
be confused with "democracy," "freedom,"
or "justice." See: empire
the people of Iraq See: Saddam
precision bombing n. Replaces
smart bombs. What a morally enlightened
country like the United States does. Involves
using MOABs, daisy cutters, or up to 3,000 cruise
missiles to create firestorms that convert oxygen
to carbon monoxide and asphyxiate anyone within
range of the miles-wide inferno; and then pretending
that the resulting fatalities do not exist.
See: civilian casualties
preemptive attack n. Replaces
blitzkrieg. Unprovoked invasion of a
country that poses no threat, esp. if that country
is defenseless and has extensive reserves of
proof n. Sales receipts, usually
from before or just after the Gulf War. E.g.:
"We have extensive proof for
the existence of Iraq's biological and chemical
reconstruction n. The lucrative
process undertaken during the occupation of
an invaded country, involving replacing destroyed
buildings, bridges, and utility systems. There
is nothing you can do to rebuild the people;
fortunately, they never existed. See: Saddam
Hussein; civilian casuallties
regime change n. Coup d'etat.
Saddam Hussein n. The nation of
Iraq, pop. 24,002,000 (2002 est.); area 172,476
sq. mi. (slightly larger than California), centered
on the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in Southwest
Asia, previously known as Mesopotamia; one of
the oldest continuously civilized regions in
the world. "Iraq" and "Saddam
Hussein" are generally used interchangeably,
e.g.: "We're going to bomb the hell
out of Saddam Hussein."
Shock and Awe n. War crime.
terrorism adj. What they do.
terrorist n Anybody who dislikes
George Bush's policies. See: unlawful
torture n. 1. A form of due
process, inflicted either by the U.S. or
its trained employees in less savory third world
dictatorships. See: unlawful combatant.
2. George Bush giving a press conference.
unlawful combatant n. Any opponent
of George Bush's policies who the U.S. government
would prefer to have held indefinitely without
trial. See: Constitution; due process;
War On Terror n. A comprehensive
marketing strategy to ensure the reelection
of George Bush in 2004, by embroiling the United
States in war for decades to come. Replaces
these previous campaigns: "Compassionate
conservative," "Fiscally responsible,"
"Education President," "He's
really not as dumb as he looks." Precedes
"War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance
Weapons of Mass Destruction n.
What they have. See: deterrent
World n. The collection of nations
and peoples which thinks George Bush is out
of his freakin' mind.