Moore Opens 'Mike's Office Of Homeland Security'
live in really, really, scary, scary times.
BOO! See, you jumped, didn't you? I don't blame
you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!
Yes, there are thousands of evildoers who are
working 24/7 to mess us up. Well, actually,
it may only be a few hundred.
OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's just three guys
-- and they go by the names of bin Bush, al-Ashcroft
and Abu Cheney.
Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger.
Whether it was their inaction before September
11th, or their actions since September 11th,
they have made this a less-safe country -- and
they are doing their damnedest to destroy our
constitution and our American way of life. They
must be stopped. Or at least sent on a very
long Carnival Cruise.
is why today I am announcing the creation of
MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY.
Office will, each day, issue the necessary warnings
to the American people (and to the other freaked-out
inhabitants of this planet) about what precautions
and action you and they will need to take. Though
not yet a cabinet-level department (this would
first require removing the squatters at 1600
Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland Security
will act as THE one-stop shopping and command
center charged with monitoring the movements
of the doers of true evil. This Office will
dispatch the forces of the American Public (the
vast majority of whom never elected a single
damn one of the men who now "lead" us) to conquer
evil wherever it may be, from DC to Wall Street
to the Republic of Texas.
face it, folks, it's not that these are simply
bad men. It's just that now, with all the recent
revelations, it has become sadly evident they
are just plain stupid ("Mr.'President,' we think
Osama is going to hijack planes and crash them
into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation
-- send my aides a memo!"). When George W. promised
last week to "securitize" the country, who among
us felt really safe (or "safetized")? When General
Ashcroft (as the Democratic senators on the
"oversight" panel reverently addressed him recently)
spends our money on expensive drapes to cover
up the statue of Lady Justice at the Justice
Department because he does note want to see
a stone breast exposed, who among us feels the
cover-up at Justice stops there? When Dick Cheney
disappears for long periods of time, who among
us doesn't scream, "PAR-TY!!"
the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And
they did nothing. But THEY will not be part
of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS Office
of Homeland Security. No, of course not! Why
have the two of them stinkin' up the room? And
what do THEY have to do with making sure SICKOS
DON'T KILL US??!! No, instead, W. is going to
whip the Coast Guard and the fruitfly inspectors
at Immigration into shape, those lazy bastards!
No wonder our lives are still in jeopardy --
it's the out-of-control toll collectors at the
Windsor Tunnel in Detroit! Thank God the FBI
and the CIA will be allowed to continue on their
own separate paths, kicking the crap outta each
other, and answerable to no one. AS IT SHOULD
BE!! I mean, where would we be today (and how
many may have lived) had the FBI not siphoned
off the resources of 200 full-time FBI agents
who spent the better part of the late '90s on
the Clinton-Lewinsky case -- investigating the
national security crisis of how to get a stain
out of a blue dress! What if they had been doing
their REAL job -- like investigating dip-shit
flight training schools in Florida and Texas
and SAVING PEOPLE,S LIVES?! What a waste of
time! And still, to this day, not a single apology
from any Republicans for that costly misdirection
of police protection. (You see, if I were to
go call 9-1-1 right now and send the cops off
to some stupid non-crime scene, I would be arrested.
When the Republicans did it, they got the White
enough carpin' about these losers. Nothing they
do will prevent the next attack, sad to say.
So, at the very least, I can offer to help protect
our constitution, our civil liberties, and our
precious right to watch football, eat Tostitos,
and NOT fall off the couch.
Plus, my Office of Homeland Security will give
out prizes! All the Bush Office is doing is
giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans,
throw them in secret prisons and never charge
color codes of various security levels will
come in everything from CODE MAUVE to CODE PERIWINKLE.
I will explain the day's "Crisis Situation"
and give you "Your Mission." By turning to Mike's
Office of Homeland Security you may not survive
the next terrorist attack, but you will definitely
make it to November 2, 2004. And wake up happy
on November 3.
By what authority do I establish this Office?
Well, I may not be the President, but they've
just told me I've sold more books this year
than Harry Potter -- and, dammit, that should
bestow some sort of superpowers on me to protect
the rest of us, right?
you. Good night. And God Bless America Except
Moore Author Filmmaker Evildoer Doer