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Bush to Phase Out Environment by 2004

"All Species Under Review, President Says."

Just days after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004.

"In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C.

While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.

Apparently, the plan to phase out the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect. "Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around," one source said.

The President's plan to eliminate the environment calls for a comprehensive review of all species currently living in the United States and the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2004.

The plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the axe.

"If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the President will probably scrap water," one aide said. "After all, the Iraqis haven't had water in weeks and look how well they're doing." 05.26.03

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