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2004 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE--from viewer Whit Meyer, Birmingham, AL

New York, NY

6:00 AM: Bill Bennett Hosts the "Red Eye" conservative workshop with complimentary "Boxcar" Bloody Mary's. Topic: "Multi-tasking"; Determining our nations childrens educational school program standards simutaneously while doubling down to roll an eight the "Hard Way". (This is not an "Early" meeting. Bill is just coming in from a long casino night drinking, smoking, and flirting with casino whores. If he lost less than 50K, he'll be in a good mood and maybe tell the story of rolling and hitting "Little Joe"at Binions.)

9:00 AM: "Biscuits and Brownshirts" Breakfast workshop hosted by Karl Rove to welcome Republican novice newcomers and freshmen orientation. Topic: "Discrediting 101", and, "If we can't win it; we'll steal it".

9:30 AM: RNC seminar: Host Newt Gingrich. Topic: "It's our country; If we can't run it, then nobody else gets to".

10:00: AM RNC Media relations. Topic: Bush/Cheney Oval office spin. Speaker Robert Novak explains that after being caught with pictures of the embarrassing mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners in the Abu Ghraib prison, then just letting prisoners go, was NOT a Bush/Cheney White House "FLIP-FLOP". In this case, released prisoners that could not be found or retrieved, could not testify for a pentagon or congressional investigation or Court Martial.

10:30 AM: Republican spokesperson Media orientation. Host Neil Cavuto. Speaker: Nutcase Ann Coulter. Topic: You can fool most of the people some of the time; The rest, you just jerk around.

11:00 AM: RNC workshop. Topic #1: Getting your kid a military deferment. Host: Dick Cheney (although he won't be speaking because he has "Other Priorities").

11:30 AM: RNC workshop. Topic #2: "Avoiding Military Service, AKA: Draft Dodging 101. Hosted by Sean Hannity. Guest Speakers: Tom Delay, Richard Shelby, Dick Armey, Rick Santorum, John Ashcroft, Trent Lott, Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush, Paul Wolfowitz, Dennis Hatert, Elliot Abrams, Saxby Chambliss, Rudy Giuliani, George Will, Bill Bennett, Rush Limbaugh, Bill Kristol, Kenneth Starr, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Paul Gigot, Bill O'Reilly, Neil Cavuto, and Neil Bortz. All these NO MILITARY SERVICE Republicans tell how they avoided military service while America was at war, then take turns sticking pins in voodoo dolls of Jim Lehrer, Mark Shields, James Carville, Don Imus, and Scott Ritter, because they are all EX-Marines and actually know what they are talking about on military topics.

12:00 Noon: Hannity asks the question for the 10,000th time, "Aren't we better off with Saddam Hussien gone?" States that President Bushs' challenge to Iraqi resistance "Bring it on" has no direct correlation with the Nick Berg beheading. "It's comparing apples and oranges; in this case it's comparing a Presidential foriegn policy throwdown challenge, and a beheading". Neil Cavuto argues that "Nick Berg is obviously better off with Saddam Hussein gone". Hannity tag teams and 2nds the motion.

12:15 PM: Republican Women creative writing workshop. Host: Mrs Dick(Lynne) Cheney. Topic: Lynne self critiques an earlier writing article on socially sensitive Iraq prison regulations; "Chained women in Heat".

1:00 PM: Presentation of President Bush and VP Cheneys entire Military service experience, credentials, records of decorations, Military Leadership lessons learned from their Viet Nam war duty, and wisdom gained from their personal military service.

1:30 PM: Presentation completed.

1:02 PM: Movie premier about Pres Bush's total military active duty service; "30 Seconds Over Galveston". Movie introduction by "30 Seconds Over Muncie" star and Indiana National Guard veteran; Dan Quayle.

2:00 PM: RNC Womens Soapbox. Host: Mrs Dick Cheney. Topic: We are RNC Republican Women; Hear us ROAR. Seminar of Republican Women and Guest Speaker, former stewardess for Bull Dyke Airlines, Laura Ingraham. You don't want to miss when Laura speaks while secretly wearing a jock strap and cup. Additional overbearing argumentative dominating conversation by nutcase Ann Coulter.

2:30 PM: Speaker: Justice Scalia. Topic: Law and iraqi prison interrogation. (NO cameras, video, or recording equipment allowed.) 2:45 PM Republican Presidential Puppetering workshop hosted by Karl Rove. Tribute to Lynn Noffsinger and Roger Ailes

3:00 PM: RNC Inspirational program "We Held the Line" hosted by Bob Barr and Richard Shelby. Film documentary of early Republican party rank and file "foot soldiers" that manuevered behind the scenes to accomplish--to this date-- no negroes have been extended membership at "Twisted Pines Country Club". Hear Trent Lott recite the story and quote his famous line; "They broke through the line at Selma; But we held them at the Pines".

4:00 PM: Thank You Republican Party Happy Hour at the Hob-Nob Suite, hosted by former Ceo's of Enron, Worldcom, Kenneth Lay, Bernie Ebbers, and Jack Grubman, Michael Milken, John and Mike Rigas,and Frank Quatrone. Rush Limbaugh critiques the tenderloin and Scotch and counts 4 hours on his community service sentence for drug abuse. Roasted Duck compliments of Cheney/Scalia Secret Hunting Club.

5:00 PM: RNC "Thank You reception" Honored guests: Pat Buchannan and Ralph Nader. Paper Mache replica of Al Gore is the hit of the party when Pat and Ralph get out of hand and take turns kicking the Al Gore statue in the nuts over and over. Limbaugh laughs so hard he has to stop and use portable oxygen tank.

6:00 PM: Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Lord God Apointee Jerry Falwell. For healings with Pat Robertson, form your line, to the far Right.

6:15 PM: Lee Greenwood sings "Mama, Don't let your babies grow up to be Iraqi Prison guard intellegence interrogators".

6:20 PM: Super-Tron TV screen plays video of President Bush landing his own personal fighter jet plane on the Aircraft Carrier after flying back from a bombing run on karbala, Iraq and winning the war against terrorists. Shows that "Top Gun" moment as pilots in flight gear punch each other on the shoulder and get the surprise cooler of Gatorade and ice dumped on them signifing victory. Says he accomplished his mission fighting back those terrorists. "I was afraid I was going to run out of fuel; but I made it back allright." Mission Accomplished.

6:30 PM: Pledge of Allegiance to the Republican Party and for which it stands for.

6:35 PM: Burning of Bill of Rights by John Ashcroft (excluding 2nd amendment), followed by Ashcroft singing "Let the Eagle Soar".Attention:NO Dancing. No Dancing while sitting(we can't have people acting like they're having sex while sitting in a chair).

6:45 PM: Salute to the Coalition of the Willing. Although Spain pulled out of Iraq, Bulgaria is with us.

6:46 PM: Speaker Robert Novak. Topic: Outing for Political Gain; it's just not for gays anymore.

7:00 PM: NRA-National Rifle Association spokesman "Chuck Heston" steps to the podium, holds his hands up, parts the convention crowd and demands "Let go of my AK-47's"

7:15 PM: RNC Petroleum Secret Meeting Council Salute sponsored by Enron. Hosted by Kenneth Lay. Guest speaker: Saudi Prince Bandar explains that Exxon and the House of Saud didn't make $41.50-bbl oil or $2.00-Gal Gas; it was "The market" that set that price.

7:30 PM: First Presidential Beer Bong. Convention crowd goes wild with "Chug, Chug, Chug, Chug,........

7:35 PM: Serve Freedom Fries. Ketchup is again, declared a vegtable by republicans funding school Lunch programs.

7:40 PM: EPA former administrator Christie Whitman, Address #1: Lead salts; it's a desert AND pizza topping. Topic #2. The Enviornment; we own it and we have our property rights.

7:55 PM: Benedict Arnold Award. Paul O'neill, Richard Clark, Joe Wilson, Bill Mahr, Al Franken, James Carville, Michael Moore, John Dean, and anyone else who has spoken an unsuportive word or criticism against the Bush-Cheney administration is trashed and discredited publicly, put their professional career in jeopardy if possible, then burned in efigy. Hannity pisses on the fire. RNC authorized in-house contract for pest removal on these turncoats and Liberals by former bug man exterminator Tom Delay

7:58 PM: Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

8:00 PM: Vote on which country to invade next

8:02 PM: Dick Cheney Tribute to Ronald Reagan. Dedication of contribution to the Smithsonian archives of the former Presidents prepatory speech index card that reads: "Thank you all for coming". Also, archive video tape of Reagan visiting and not knowing how to order a hamburger at McDonalds. Tribute includes plaque for the "backed down" award for pulling out the Marines from Beirut the day after the Marine Barracks bombing killed 240 Marines (who were "Peacekeepers" and did not have ammunition issued to them). This lesson taught the Arab/Muslim world that--If you can hit America hard enough and make them bleed,......they will go away. It also taught America that when you have Republican leaders with NO military experience directing a war; the results are going to be a mess.

8:05 PM: Rush Limbaugh does Jesse Jackson imitation in "Blackface". Sings "That Old man River".

8:10 PM: Secret Service scrambled and Call EMTs to revive Dick Cheney. His pacemaker misfired he was laughing so hard at Rush. Tries to tell the same joke twice. Bombs. Tough crowd.

8:15 PM: Tom Delay authorizes and has Homeland Security Agents find, escort, and hide Colin Powell to undisclosed bunker for "Security" reasons. Tells Powell to study these satellite photos showing Iraq WMD sites and prepare to give a "briefing" to Condi, the President, and the UN. Says not to worry about and don't waste time on IRAN and North Korea having NUKES.

8:30 PM: RNC Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN Only) followed by John Ashcroft Lecture: Women who get Abortions are really Criminals and should be prosecuted and go to prison where they can't become pregnant until they've "learned their lesson".

8:40: PM Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

8:45 PM: Seminar #2 Corporations: The government of the future.

8:55 PM: Host Neil Cavuto and RNC Thank you Tribute to Wall Street for all the big contributions that the Republican Party counts on to keep that business coming. Topic: It really is NOT a conflict of interest when GE, one of the largest financial institutions in the world, just happens to own CNBC; a cable TV channell that gathers and "Reports" Scripted--Produced "News" that moves the markets up or down on their Live, financial infomercial market coverage.

9:00 PM: Condi Rice sings Medley: her version of "Summertime", "Stand by your man", and "Hey Joe".

9:05 PM: Second Presidential Beer Bong. All "Deke's" pronounced honorary Republican "Miesters" and begin "Kegger" early.

9:10 PM: EPA Address #2 Trees: The real cause of forest fires and how they pollute property developing. Topic #2: Clean water; We can afford bottled water and not to worry.

9:15 PM: Republican Convention Keynote Speaker Ken Lay, former CEO Enron Corp. Topic: What the Republican Party really stands for. What Republicans are about.

9:30 PM: Break for secret meetings with ALL industry lobbyist.

9:45 PM: Speaker Tom Delay. Salute to Joe McCarthy.

10:00 PM: Second prayer led by Cal Thomas. Signed by Gary Bauer. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

10:15 PM: Lecture by Karl Rove and Cavuto: Doublespeak made easy. Karen Hughes declares that Karl is NOT Rasputin.

10:30 PM: Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho.

10:35 PM: Bush demonstration of trademark 'Deer in headlights' stare, Live from the DKE suite Kegger.

10:40 PM: John Ashcroft/Rumsfeld slide show: Abu Gharib Prison Bloopers and Practical jokes

10:45 PM: Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans. Asks "Is that my diet coke?" Announces that plenty of Pork Chitterlings, creek slung or stump whipped, whichever you want are still available at the buffett. Secretly wonders where Colin is.

10:46 PM: Third Presidential Beer Bong. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

10:50 PM: Platform vote #3 Education: a drain on our nation's economy.

11:10 PM: Karen Hughes, Rush, and other Republican hacks take swings at Hillary Clinton Pinata.

11:20 PM: Lecture by John Ashcroft: Explains the Law and justice that comparing Enron former CEO Ken Lay still not going to trial after 2 years, and charging and convicting Army specialist Jeremy Sivits of dereliction of duty at the Abu Gharib prison within 30 days is comparing apples to oranges. Rush enlightens us with the big difference is that Enlisted soldiers DON'T have private jets available to loan as favors for your personal use, and they're NOT big RNC contributors.

11:30 PM: Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again. Claims he can't hear and wants to talk about Pro Football.

11:35 PM: Blame Clinton/s. burn in effigy. The crowd goes wild. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

11:40 PM: Laura serves milk and cookies and cuts Yellow Cake and resumes her subservient female role knowing that George is secretly pissed that the in-Laws still refer to him as "Dipwood" even though she has supposedly talked to them about it.

11:50 PM: Coronation Prayer led by Jesus Himself. Introduction and warm up by "Pat Robertson and The Fundamentalist".

12: 00 PM: Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord. Coronation speech: O J T American foriegn Policy; Freedom marched in via bayonet point. Asks the question "How's that for 4 years without a mistake". Proclaims that if he and Cheney are not re-elected; then the "Evildoers" win. Leads a Cheer; GO, GO, GOOOOOOOO Republicans; B-E-AAAAAAAAAAA-TEE, Democrats!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Addresses the immaculate iraq war plan of how good it was planned and thought out. Says jungle GREEN Flack jackets sent into a light brown desert environment, worn by soldiers in Light desert tan uniforms really didn't make our troops "Targets" for the enemy, it was just a uniform accessory clash. Says that the "Bring it on" statement was really taken out of context; kinda like when the "Deke's" have a kegger and challenge the "Sigma Chi's" rushees to some foosball. Still won't admit to making a mistake about iraq. Look at all the wal-mart part-time minumum wage/no benefits jobs we've created. Explains the "I'm a UNITER; Not a DIVIDER" saying he campaigned on was meant to unite America--NOT to UNITE 1 BILLION pissed off Muslims to hate the United States even more than they already did. States the War in Iraq is going well, the economy is doing great, and inflation is under control and not a problem. Drop Balloons. Cheney and Scalia skeet shoot balloons dropping. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again. Back to the "Deke" house chanting "Four more years".

THANK YOU, WHIT!

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