REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE--from
viewer Whit Meyer, Birmingham, AL
6:00 AM: Bill Bennett Hosts
the "Red Eye" conservative workshop with complimentary
"Boxcar" Bloody Mary's. Topic: "Multi-tasking";
Determining our nations childrens educational
school program standards simutaneously while
doubling down to roll an eight the "Hard Way".
(This is not an "Early" meeting. Bill is just
coming in from a long casino night drinking,
smoking, and flirting with casino whores. If
he lost less than 50K, he'll be in a good mood
and maybe tell the story of rolling and hitting
"Little Joe"at Binions.)
AM: "Biscuits and Brownshirts" Breakfast workshop
hosted by Karl Rove to welcome Republican novice
newcomers and freshmen orientation. Topic: "Discrediting
101", and, "If we can't win it; we'll steal
AM: RNC seminar: Host Newt Gingrich. Topic:
"It's our country; If we can't run it, then
nobody else gets to".
AM RNC Media relations. Topic: Bush/Cheney Oval
office spin. Speaker Robert Novak explains that
after being caught with pictures of the embarrassing
mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners in the Abu Ghraib
prison, then just letting prisoners go, was
NOT a Bush/Cheney White House "FLIP-FLOP". In
this case, released prisoners that could not
be found or retrieved, could not testify for
a pentagon or congressional investigation or
AM: Republican spokesperson Media orientation.
Host Neil Cavuto. Speaker: Nutcase Ann Coulter.
Topic: You can fool most of the people some
of the time; The rest, you just jerk around.
AM: RNC workshop. Topic #1: Getting your kid
a military deferment. Host: Dick Cheney (although
he won't be speaking because he has "Other Priorities").
AM: RNC workshop. Topic #2: "Avoiding Military
Service, AKA: Draft Dodging 101. Hosted by Sean
Hannity. Guest Speakers: Tom Delay, Richard
Shelby, Dick Armey, Rick Santorum, John Ashcroft,
Trent Lott, Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush,
Paul Wolfowitz, Dennis Hatert, Elliot Abrams,
Saxby Chambliss, Rudy Giuliani, George Will,
Bill Bennett, Rush Limbaugh, Bill Kristol, Kenneth
Starr, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Paul
Gigot, Bill O'Reilly, Neil Cavuto, and Neil
Bortz. All these NO MILITARY SERVICE Republicans
tell how they avoided military service while
America was at war, then take turns sticking
pins in voodoo dolls of Jim Lehrer, Mark Shields,
James Carville, Don Imus, and Scott Ritter,
because they are all EX-Marines and actually
know what they are talking about on military
Noon: Hannity asks the question for the 10,000th
time, "Aren't we better off with Saddam Hussien
gone?" States that President Bushs' challenge
to Iraqi resistance "Bring it on" has no direct
correlation with the Nick Berg beheading. "It's
comparing apples and oranges; in this case it's
comparing a Presidential foriegn policy throwdown
challenge, and a beheading". Neil Cavuto argues
that "Nick Berg is obviously better off with
Saddam Hussein gone". Hannity tag teams and
2nds the motion.
PM: Republican Women creative writing workshop.
Host: Mrs Dick(Lynne) Cheney. Topic: Lynne self
critiques an earlier writing article on socially
sensitive Iraq prison regulations; "Chained
women in Heat".
PM: Presentation of President Bush and VP Cheneys
entire Military service experience, credentials,
records of decorations, Military Leadership
lessons learned from their Viet Nam war duty,
and wisdom gained from their personal military
PM: Presentation completed.
PM: Movie premier about Pres Bush's total military
active duty service; "30 Seconds Over Galveston".
Movie introduction by "30 Seconds Over Muncie"
star and Indiana National Guard veteran; Dan
PM: RNC Womens Soapbox. Host: Mrs Dick Cheney.
Topic: We are RNC Republican Women; Hear us
ROAR. Seminar of Republican Women and Guest
Speaker, former stewardess for Bull Dyke Airlines,
Laura Ingraham. You don't want to miss when
Laura speaks while secretly wearing a jock strap
and cup. Additional overbearing argumentative
dominating conversation by nutcase Ann Coulter.
PM: Speaker: Justice Scalia. Topic: Law and
iraqi prison interrogation. (NO cameras, video,
or recording equipment allowed.) 2:45 PM Republican
Presidential Puppetering workshop hosted by
Karl Rove. Tribute to Lynn Noffsinger and Roger
PM: RNC Inspirational program "We Held the Line"
hosted by Bob Barr and Richard Shelby. Film
documentary of early Republican party rank and
file "foot soldiers" that manuevered behind
the scenes to accomplish--to this date-- no
negroes have been extended membership at "Twisted
Pines Country Club". Hear Trent Lott recite
the story and quote his famous line; "They broke
through the line at Selma; But we held them
at the Pines".
PM: Thank You Republican Party Happy Hour at
the Hob-Nob Suite, hosted by former Ceo's of
Enron, Worldcom, Kenneth Lay, Bernie Ebbers,
and Jack Grubman, Michael Milken, John and Mike
Rigas,and Frank Quatrone. Rush Limbaugh critiques
the tenderloin and Scotch and counts 4 hours
on his community service sentence for drug abuse.
Roasted Duck compliments of Cheney/Scalia Secret
PM: RNC "Thank You reception" Honored guests:
Pat Buchannan and Ralph Nader. Paper Mache replica
of Al Gore is the hit of the party when Pat
and Ralph get out of hand and take turns kicking
the Al Gore statue in the nuts over and over.
Limbaugh laughs so hard he has to stop and use
portable oxygen tank.
PM: Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Lord
God Apointee Jerry Falwell. For healings with
Pat Robertson, form your line, to the far Right.
PM: Lee Greenwood sings "Mama, Don't let your
babies grow up to be Iraqi Prison guard intellegence
PM: Super-Tron TV screen plays video of President
Bush landing his own personal fighter jet plane
on the Aircraft Carrier after flying back from
a bombing run on karbala, Iraq and winning the
war against terrorists. Shows that "Top Gun"
moment as pilots in flight gear punch each other
on the shoulder and get the surprise cooler
of Gatorade and ice dumped on them signifing
victory. Says he accomplished his mission fighting
back those terrorists. "I was afraid I was going
to run out of fuel; but I made it back allright."
PM: Pledge of Allegiance to the Republican Party
and for which it stands for.
PM: Burning of Bill of Rights by John Ashcroft
(excluding 2nd amendment), followed by Ashcroft
singing "Let the Eagle Soar".Attention:NO Dancing.
No Dancing while sitting(we can't have people
acting like they're having sex while sitting
in a chair).
PM: Salute to the Coalition of the Willing.
Although Spain pulled out of Iraq, Bulgaria
is with us.
PM: Speaker Robert Novak. Topic: Outing for
Political Gain; it's just not for gays anymore.
PM: NRA-National Rifle Association spokesman
"Chuck Heston" steps to the podium, holds his
hands up, parts the convention crowd and demands
"Let go of my AK-47's"
PM: RNC Petroleum Secret Meeting Council Salute
sponsored by Enron. Hosted by Kenneth Lay. Guest
speaker: Saudi Prince Bandar explains that Exxon
and the House of Saud didn't make $41.50-bbl
oil or $2.00-Gal Gas; it was "The market" that
set that price.
PM: First Presidential Beer Bong. Convention
crowd goes wild with "Chug, Chug, Chug, Chug,........
PM: Serve Freedom Fries. Ketchup is again, declared
a vegtable by republicans funding school Lunch
PM: EPA former administrator Christie Whitman,
Address #1: Lead salts; it's a desert AND pizza
topping. Topic #2. The Enviornment; we own it
and we have our property rights.
PM: Benedict Arnold Award. Paul O'neill, Richard
Clark, Joe Wilson, Bill Mahr, Al Franken, James
Carville, Michael Moore, John Dean, and anyone
else who has spoken an unsuportive word or criticism
against the Bush-Cheney administration is trashed
and discredited publicly, put their professional
career in jeopardy if possible, then burned
in efigy. Hannity pisses on the fire. RNC authorized
in-house contract for pest removal on these
turncoats and Liberals by former bug man exterminator
PM: Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.
PM: Vote on which country to invade next
PM: Dick Cheney Tribute to Ronald Reagan. Dedication
of contribution to the Smithsonian archives
of the former Presidents prepatory speech index
card that reads: "Thank you all for coming".
Also, archive video tape of Reagan visiting
and not knowing how to order a hamburger at
McDonalds. Tribute includes plaque for the "backed
down" award for pulling out the Marines from
Beirut the day after the Marine Barracks bombing
killed 240 Marines (who were "Peacekeepers"
and did not have ammunition issued to them).
This lesson taught the Arab/Muslim world that--If
you can hit America hard enough and make them
bleed,......they will go away. It also taught
America that when you have Republican leaders
with NO military experience directing a war;
the results are going to be a mess.
PM: Rush Limbaugh does Jesse Jackson imitation
in "Blackface". Sings "That Old man River".
PM: Secret Service scrambled and Call EMTs to
revive Dick Cheney. His pacemaker misfired he
was laughing so hard at Rush. Tries to tell
the same joke twice. Bombs. Tough crowd.
PM: Tom Delay authorizes and has Homeland Security
Agents find, escort, and hide Colin Powell to
undisclosed bunker for "Security" reasons. Tells
Powell to study these satellite photos showing
Iraq WMD sites and prepare to give a "briefing"
to Condi, the President, and the UN. Says not
to worry about and don't waste time on IRAN
and North Korea having NUKES.
PM: RNC Round table discussion on reproductive
rights (MEN Only) followed by John Ashcroft
Lecture: Women who get Abortions are really
Criminals and should be prosecuted and go to
prison where they can't become pregnant until
they've "learned their lesson".
PM Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.
PM: Seminar #2 Corporations: The government
of the future.
PM: Host Neil Cavuto and RNC Thank you Tribute
to Wall Street for all the big contributions
that the Republican Party counts on to keep
that business coming. Topic: It really is NOT
a conflict of interest when GE, one of the largest
financial institutions in the world, just happens
to own CNBC; a cable TV channell that gathers
and "Reports" Scripted--Produced "News" that
moves the markets up or down on their Live,
financial infomercial market coverage.
PM: Condi Rice sings Medley: her version of
"Summertime", "Stand by your man", and "Hey
PM: Second Presidential Beer Bong. All "Deke's"
pronounced honorary Republican "Miesters" and
begin "Kegger" early.
PM: EPA Address #2 Trees: The real cause of
forest fires and how they pollute property developing.
Topic #2: Clean water; We can afford bottled
water and not to worry.
PM: Republican Convention Keynote Speaker Ken
Lay, former CEO Enron Corp. Topic: What the
Republican Party really stands for. What Republicans
PM: Break for secret meetings with ALL industry
PM: Speaker Tom Delay. Salute to Joe McCarthy.
PM: Second prayer led by Cal Thomas. Signed
by Gary Bauer. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier
PM: Lecture by Karl Rove and Cavuto: Doublespeak
made easy. Karen Hughes declares that Karl is
PM: Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint
and talk macho.
PM: Bush demonstration of trademark 'Deer in
headlights' stare, Live from the DKE suite Kegger.
PM: John Ashcroft/Rumsfeld slide show: Abu Gharib
Prison Bloopers and Practical jokes
PM: Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans.
Asks "Is that my diet coke?" Announces that
plenty of Pork Chitterlings, creek slung or
stump whipped, whichever you want are still
available at the buffett. Secretly wonders where
PM: Third Presidential Beer Bong. Show Landing
on Aircraft Carrier video again.
PM: Platform vote #3 Education: a drain on our
PM: Karen Hughes, Rush, and other Republican
hacks take swings at Hillary Clinton Pinata.
PM: Lecture by John Ashcroft: Explains the Law
and justice that comparing Enron former CEO
Ken Lay still not going to trial after 2 years,
and charging and convicting Army specialist
Jeremy Sivits of dereliction of duty at the
Abu Gharib prison within 30 days is comparing
apples to oranges. Rush enlightens us with the
big difference is that Enlisted soldiers DON'T
have private jets available to loan as favors
for your personal use, and they're NOT big RNC
PM: Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
Claims he can't hear and wants to talk about
PM: Blame Clinton/s. burn in effigy. The crowd
goes wild. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier
PM: Laura serves milk and cookies and cuts Yellow
Cake and resumes her subservient female role
knowing that George is secretly pissed that
the in-Laws still refer to him as "Dipwood"
even though she has supposedly talked to them
PM: Coronation Prayer led by Jesus Himself.
Introduction and warm up by "Pat Robertson and
00 PM: Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy
Supreme Planetary Overlord. Coronation speech:
O J T American foriegn Policy; Freedom marched
in via bayonet point. Asks the question "How's
that for 4 years without a mistake". Proclaims
that if he and Cheney are not re-elected; then
the "Evildoers" win. Leads a Cheer; GO, GO,
GOOOOOOOO Republicans; B-E-AAAAAAAAAAA-TEE,
Democrats!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!!
Addresses the immaculate iraq war plan of how
good it was planned and thought out. Says jungle
GREEN Flack jackets sent into a light brown
desert environment, worn by soldiers in Light
desert tan uniforms really didn't make our troops
"Targets" for the enemy, it was just a uniform
accessory clash. Says that the "Bring it on"
statement was really taken out of context; kinda
like when the "Deke's" have a kegger and challenge
the "Sigma Chi's" rushees to some foosball.
Still won't admit to making a mistake about
iraq. Look at all the wal-mart part-time minumum
wage/no benefits jobs we've created. Explains
the "I'm a UNITER; Not a DIVIDER" saying he
campaigned on was meant to unite America--NOT
to UNITE 1 BILLION pissed off Muslims to hate
the United States even more than they already
did. States the War in Iraq is going well, the
economy is doing great, and inflation is under
control and not a problem. Drop Balloons. Cheney
and Scalia skeet shoot balloons dropping. Show
Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again. Back
to the "Deke" house chanting "Four more years".