Another 2004 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE, by Whit Meyer

New York, NY 6:00 AM Bill Bennett Hosts the "Red Eye" conservative workshop with complimentary "Boxcar" Bloody Mary's. Topic: "Multi-tasking"; Determining our nations childrens' educational school program standards and Family Values simultaneously while doubling down to roll an eight the "Hard Way". (This is not an "Early" meeting. Bill is just coming in from a long casino night drinking, smoking, & flirting with casino whores. If he lost less than 50k, he'll be in a good mood and maybe tell the story of rolling & hitting "Little Joe" at Binions.) Following the workshop, Bill hosts his 7-9am radio call-in talk show "Family Values", Live from the Crap Tables of the Casino.

9:00 AM: "Biscuits and Brownshirts" Breakfast workshop hosted by Karl Rove to welcome Republican novice newcomers and freshmen orientation. Topic: "Discrediting 101", and, "If we can't win it; we'll steal it".

9:30 AM: RNC seminar: Host Newt Gingrich. Topic: "It's our country; If we can't run it,.....then nobody else gets to". 10:00 AM: RNC Media relations. Topic: Bush/Cheney Oval office spin. Speaker Robert Novak explains that after being caught with pictures of the embarrasing mistreatment of iraqi prisoners in the Abu Ghraib prison, then just letting prisoners go, was NOT a Bush/Cheney White House "FLIP-FLOP". In this case, released prisoners that could not be found or retrieved, could not testify for a pentagon or congressional investigation or Court Martial. Also, Being the "WAR" President, then, Overnight, Becoming the "Peace" President is really not a Bush FLIP-FLOP ; it's just a Policy adjustment. 10:30 AM: Republican spokesperson Media orientation. Host Neil Cavuto. Speaker: Nutcase Ann Coulter. Topic: You can fool most of the people some of the time; The rest, you just jerk around. Besides, who needs the facts or truth when you have an agenda to take over at any cost.

11:00 AM: RNC workshop. Topic #1: Getting your kid a military deferrment. Host: Dick Cheney(although he won't be speaking because he has "Other Priorities").

11:30 AM: RNC workshop. Topic #2: "Avoiding Military Service, AKA: DRAFT DODGING 101. Hosted by Sean Hannity. Guest Speakers: ALL ARE NO MILITARY SERVICE REPUBLICANS Tom Delay, Richard Shelby, Dick Armey, Rick Santorum, John Ashcroft, Trent Lott, Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush, Paul Wolfowitz, Dennis Hastert, Elliot Abrams, Saxby Chambliss, Rudy Giuliani, George Will, Bill Bennett, Rush Limbaugh, Bill Kristol, Kenneth Starr, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Paul Gigot, Bill Orielly, Neil Cavuto, and Neil Bortz. All these NO MILITARY SERVICE Republicans tell how they avoided military service while America was at war, then take turns sticking pins in voodoo dolls of Jim Lehrer, Mark Shields, General Zinni, James Carville, Don Imus, Scott Ritter, Mark Russell, and MARINE GENERAL Zinni because they are all EX-Marines and actually know what they are talking about on military topics. The NO MILITARY SERVICE Republican Hawks also challenge Max Cleland to a "Smackdown Fight". Cleland replys "I'd stuff a boot up all of your ass', if i only had a foot to put a boot on!! Cleland wheels himself "Front & Center" for the showdown. 1 Viet Nam Veteran(Cleland) vs 25 Republican Chickenhawks. It's declared a "Fair" fight; considering the "Courage" involved.

12 Noon: Hannity asks the question for the 10,000th time, "Aren't we better off with Saddam Hussien gone?" States that President Bushs' challenge to Iraqi resistance "Bring it on" has no direct correlation with the Nick Berg beheading. "It's comparing apples & oranges; in this case it's comparing a Presidential foriegn policy throwdown challenge, & a beheading". Neil Cavuto argues that "Nick Berg(& his family) are obviously better off with Saddam Hussein gone. No "Evildoers" can hurt them now". Hannity tag teams & 2nds the motion.

12:15 PM: Republican Women creative writing workshop. Host: Mrs Dick(Lynne) Cheney. Topic: Lynne self critiques an earlier writing project on socially sensitive Iraq prison regulations, in her book; "Chained women in Heat".

1:00 PM: Presentation of President Bush & VP Cheneys entire Military service experience, credentials, records of decorations, Military Leadership lessons learned from their Viet Nam war duty, and wisdom gained from their personal military service.

1:00: and 30 seconds PM: Presentation completed.

1:02 PM: Movie premier about Pres Bush's total military active duty service; "30 Seconds Over Galveston". Movie introduction by "30 Seconds Over Muncie" star and Indiana National Guard veteran; Dan Quayle.

2:00 PM: RNC Womens Soapbox. Host: Mrs Dick Cheney. Topic: We are RNC Republican Women; Hear us ROAR. Seminar of Republican Women and Guest Speaker, former stewardess for Bull Dyke Airlines, Laura Ingraham. You don't want to miss when Laura speaks while secretly wearing a jock strap & cup. Additional overbearing dominating argumentative conversation by nutcase Ann Coulter.

2:30PM: Speaker: Justice Scalia. Topic: Law & iraqi prison interrogation.(NO cameras, video, or recording equipment allowed.)

2:45 PM: Republican Presidential Puppetering workshop hosted by Karl Rove. Tribute to Lynn Noffsinger, Roger Ailes, Senior Winces, & Edgar Bergan.

3:00 PM: RNC Inspirational program "We Held the Line" hosted by Bob Barr & Richard Shelby. Film documentary of early Republican party rank & file "foot soldiers" that manuevered behind the scenes to accomplish--to this date-- no negroes have been extended membership at "Twisted Pines Country Club". Hear Trent Lott recite the story and quote his famous line; "They broke through the line at Selma; But we held them at the Pines". Shelby Leaks the plot to "impress" film viewers.

4:00 PM: Thank You Republican Party Happy Hour at the Hob-Nob Suite, hosted by former Ceo's of Enron, Worldcom, Kenneth Lay, Bernie Ebbers, & Jack Grubman, Michael Milken, John & Mike Rigas,and Frank Quatrone. Rush Limbaugh critiques the tenderloin and Scotch and counts 4 hours on his community service sentence for Drug Abuse. Roasted Duck compliments of Cheney/Scalia Secret Hunting Club.

5:00 PM: RNC "Thank You reception" Honored guests: Pat Buchannan and Ralph Nader. Paper Mache replica of Al Gore is the hit of the party when Pat & Ralph get out of hand and take turns kicking the Al Gore statue in the nuts over & over. Limbaugh laughs so hard he has to stop & use portable oxygen tank.

6:00 PM: Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Lord God Apointee Jerry Falwell. For healings with Pat Robertson, form your line, to the far Right.

6:15 PM: Lee Greenwood sings "Mama,......Don't let your babies grow up to be Iraqi Abu Garhib Prison Guard Intellegence Interrogators".

6:20 PM: Super-Tron TV screen plays video of President Bush landing his own personal fighter jet plane on the Aircraft Carrier after flying back from a bombing run on Karbala, Iraq and winning the war against terrorists. Shows that "Top Gun" moment as pilots in flight gear punch each other on the shoulder & get the surprise cooler of Gatorade & ice dumped on them signifing victory. Says he accomplished his mission fighting back those Evildoers. "I carried so many bombs to drop on the Evildoers, that I was afraid I was going to run out of fuel; but I made it back allright." Declares "Mission Accomplished" and "Peace is at Hand" like Lord Chamberlain.

6:30 PM: Pledge of Allegiance to the Republican Party & for which it stands for.

6:35 PM: Burning of Bill of Rights by John Ashcroft (excluding 2nd amendment), followed by Ashcroft singing "Let the Eagle Soar". Attention: NO DANCING. NO DANCING while sitting(we can't have people acting like they're having sex while sitting in a chair).

6:45 PM: Salute to the Coalition of the Willing. Although Spain & Honduras pulled out of Iraq; Albania & Bulgaria are still with us.

6:46 PM: Speaker Robert Novak. Topic: Outing for Political Gain; it's just not for gays anymore.

7:00 PM: NRA-National Rifle Association spokesman "Chuck Heston" steps to the podium, holds his hands up, parts the Republican convention crowd and demands "Let go of my AK-47's"

7:15 PM: RNC Petroleum Secret Meeting Council Salute sponsored by Enron. Hosted by Kenneth Lay. Guest speaker: Saudi Prince Bandar explains that Exxon and the House of Saud didn't make $43.50-bbl oil or $2.25/Gal Gasoline; it was "The Market" that set that price.

7:30 PM: First Presidential Beer Bong. Convention crowd goes wild with "Chug, Chug, Chug, Chug,........

7:35 PM: Serve Freedom Fries. Ketchup is again, declared a vegetable by Republicans funding elementary school Lunch programs.

7:40 PM: EPA former administrator Christie Whitman, Address #1: Lead salts; it's a desert AND pizza topping. Topic #2. The Enviornment; we own it and we have our property rights.

7:55 PM: Benedict Arnold Award. Paul O'neill, Richard Clark, General Zinni, Joe Wilson, Bill Mahr, Al Franken, James Carville, Michael Moore, John Dean, and anyone else who has spoken an unsupportive word or criticism against the Bush-Cheney administration is trashed & discredited publicly, put their professional career in jeopardy if possible, then burned in effigy. Hannity pisses on the fire. RNC authorized in-house contract for pest removal on these turncoats & Liberals by former bug man exterminator Tom Delay.

7:58 PM: Fox News commentator Colmes reports "The King has No Clothes", & is immediatley taken out back & shot. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

8:00 PM: Vote on which country to invade next. North Korea & IraN are off the table because "They'll Fight back". We need another Republican war victory like we had against Grenada!!

8:02 PM: Dick Cheney Tribute to Ronald Reagan. Dedication of contribution to the Smithsonian archives of the former Presidents preparatory speech index card that reads "Thank you all for coming". Also, archive video tape of Reagan visiting and not knowing how to order a hamburger at McDonalds. Tribute includes plaque for the "Backed Down" and Tucked Tail Running Away award for pulling out the Marines from Beirut the beginning the NEXT day after the Marine Barracks boming killed 240 Marines(who were "Peacekeepers" & did not have ammunition issued to them). This lesson taught the Arab/Muslim world that--If you can hit America hard enough and make them bleed,......they will go away. It also taught America that when you have Republican leaders with NO military experience directing a war; the results are going to be a mess--Except for Grenada class opponents. Reagans Astrologer says the timing was right for this award; the Tarot Cards confirm it. John from crossing over, Channells. Reagan Channells back ; "My Handlers Won't Let Me Speak!"

8:05 PM: Rush Limbaugh does Jesse Jackson imitation in "Blackface". Sings "That Old man River".

8:10 PM: Secret Service scrambled & Call EMTs to revive Dick Cheney. His pacemaker misfired he was laughing so hard at Rush. Tries to tell the same joke twice. Bombs. Tough crowd.

8:15 PM: Tom Delay authorizes & has Homeland Security Agents find, escort, & hide Colin Powell to undisclosed bunker for "Security" reasons. Tells Powell to study these satellite photos showing Iraq WMD sites and prepare to give a "briefing" to Condi, the President, & the UN. Says not to worry about & don't waste time on IRAN & North Korea having NUKES. Says Saudi Prince Bandar will come brief him if there are any plans or changes he should know about. Powell leaves his personal dignity at the door. Is told to put on this White suit, & clean the bathrooms.

8:30 PM: RNC Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN Only) followed by John Ashcroft Lecture: Women who get Abortions are really Criminals and Women should be prosecuted and go to prison where they can't become pregnant until they've "learned their lesson".

8:40 P: Bush Twins stick tounge out. Mistaken for Paris & Nicole. Paris & Nicole sue for identity infringement. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

8:45 PM: Seminar #2 Corporations: The government of the future. Host Neil Cavuto & RNC Thank you Tribute to Wall Street for all the big contributions that the Republican Party counts on to keep that business coming. Topic: It really is NOT a conflict of interest when GE, one of the largest financial institutions in the world, just happens to own CNBC; a cable TV channell that gathers and "Reports" Scripted--Produced-- "News" that moves the markets up or down on their Live, financial infomercial market coverage. "We want to thank ALL of those Little people for continuing to pour their hard earned money into the stock market so WE can keep Selling Short to them & maintain our standard of living in the Hamptons". How Are YOUR Stocks Doing???

9:00 PM: Condi Rice sings Medley: her version of "Summertime", "Stand by your man", and "Hey Joe".

9:05 PM: Second Presidential Beer Bong. All "Deke's" pronounced honorary Republican "Miesters" and begin "Kegger" early.

9:10 PM: EPA Address #2 Trees: The real cause of forest fires and how they pollute property developing. Topic#2: Clean Water; We can afford bottled water and not to worry. Besides, we can get Britains' Tony Blair to carry our waterbucket anytime.

9:15 PM: Republican Convention Keynote Speaker Ken Lay, former CEO Enron Corp. Topic: What the Republican Party really stands for. What Republicans are about. "I really didn't do ANYTHING WRONG ; except to provide Energy to Americans. That's what I'm about. Supplying Energy to people.... like in California!!"

9:30 PM: Break for secret meetings with ALL industry lobbyists. Bagmen report in 15 minutes early.

9:45 PM: Speaker Tom Delay. Salute/Tribute to Joe McCarthy & new millenia McCarthy clone, Rush Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh, a man who has Never worn a Jock Strap, "Enlightens" the crowd with his "Expertise" of Pro-Football ; It's about managing Pain with Painkillers My Friends. But You've got to have a Latino Mule that knows when & How to Zip It!!".

10:00 PM: Second prayer led by Cal Thomas. Signed by Gary Bauer. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

10:15 PM: Lecture by Karl Rove & Cavuto: Doublespeak made easy. Karen Hughes declares that Karl is NOT Rasputin.

10:30 PM: Rumsfeld "Calls Out" former CIA Director George Tennent ; has showdown in the middle of the convention floor with the nation looking on for answers. Guns down Tennent, & squints eyes & says, "It was Him,.....or Me. Besides, He was Clintons Appointment".

10:35 PM: Bush demonstration of trademark 'Deer in headlights' stare, Live from the DKE suite Kegger.

10:40 PM: Rumsfeld/Wolfowitz slide show: Abu Gharib Prison Bloopers and Practical jokes. Colin gets Punk'd by Rumsfeld.

10:45 PM: Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans. Asks "Is that my diet coke?" Announces that plenty of Pork Chitterlings, creek slung or stump whipped, whichever you want are still available at the buffett. Secretly wonders where Colin is.

10:46 PM: Ballot Box Methods & Protocol. Speaker: Katherine Harris. Topic: "You know we just can't let any riff-raff in to the polls to mess up the voting totals. The first thing you know; it's just out of our control & the negros are voting". Third Presidential Beer Bong. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

10:50 PM: Platform vote #3 Education: a drain on our nation's economy.

11:10 PM: Karen Hughes, Rush, and other Republican Hacks take swings at Hillary Clinton Pinata. Says "What's the big deal about Purple Heart Medals?? We can get them online for $3 bucks apiece!! It's easy to get one. And a Silver Star, TOO!!"

11:20 PM: Lecture by John Ashcroft: Explains the Law and Justice that comparing Enron former CEO Ken Lay still not going to trial after 2 years, and charging and convicting Army specialist Jeremy Sivits(& other Enlisted personnel) of dereliction of duty at the Abu Gharib prison within 30 days is comparing apples to oranges. Rush enlightens us with the big difference is that Enlisted soldiers DON'T have private jets available to loan as favors for your personal use, and they're NOT big RNC contributors. Ashcroft Explains the Enron Corp fraud on the American investors by Billions of dollars lost, & the Bankrupting of California, by HIS administration of Justice ; Put Martha Stewart in Jail.

11:30 PM: Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again. Claims he can't hear & wants to talk about Pro Football. Rush says he borrowed a Jock Strap from Laura Ingraham.

11:35 PM ALL Republicans Blame Clinton/s for Any & Everything. Bush/Cheney will NOT talk about What THEY HAVE DONE. They just want to tell us that there are a whole bunch of Boogiemen--AKA "EVILDOERS & Terrorists"-- out there and ONLY THEY can protect US from the BOOGIEMEN. They CAN'T tell us WHO they are ; Or WHERE They are, Or WHAT THE BUSH/CHENEY PLAN IS NOW, but assure us that they are out there. Bush/Cheney CANNOT & WILL NOT TALK ABOUT themselves ; BUT THEY CAN WARN US ABOUT KERRY & THE Democrats, those Evildoers, & everything else. Burn Clintons in effigy. The crowd goes wild. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.

11:40 PM: Laura serves milk and "Yellow Cake", and resumes her subservient female role knowing that George is secretly pissed that the in-Laws still refer to him as "Dipwood" even though she has supposedly talked to them about it.

11:50 PM: Coronation Prayer led by Jesus Himself. Introduction and warm up by "Pat Robertson & The Fundamentalist".

11:59 PM: Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord. Coronation speech: O J T--ON-THE-JOB TRAINING American Foriegn Policy; Freedom marched in via bayonet point. Asks the question "How's that for 4 years without a mistake". Proclaims that if he & Cheney are not re-elected; then the "Evildoers" win. Leads a Cheer; GO, GO, GOOOOOOOO Republicans; B-E-AAAAAAAAAAA-TEE, Rutgers....er,ah...I mean, Democrats!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Asks crowd the Question : "Have i Made a Mistake??" Waits 7 minutes for the teleprompter, or que-card; then Refuses to answer, 'cause it's a "Trick" Question. Addresses the immaculate iraq war plan of how good it was planned & thought out. Says jungle GREEN Flack jackets sent into a light brown desert environment, worn by soldiers in Light desert tan uniforms really didn't make our U.S. troops "Targets" for the enemy; it was just a uniform accessory clash. Says that the "Bring it on" statement was really taken out of context; kinda like when the "Deke's" have a kegger and challenge the "Sigma Chi's" rushee's to some foosball. Still won't admit to making a mistake about iraq. Look at all the wal-mart part-time minumum wage/no benefits jobs we've created. Explains the "I'm a UNITER; Not a DIVIDER" saying he campaigned on was meant to unite America--NOT to UNITE 1 BILLION pissed off Muslims to hate the United States even more than they already did. States the War in Iraq is going well, the economy is doing great, and inflation is under control & not a problem. Says "Americans are United that he is the Chief Evildoer fighter. The Office of Stategerey has said so". Declares "I'm the WAR Presi....the Peace,......uh,...War...uh..Evildoers...uh Peace, yeah the Peace...no..War,..uh Both".

Dick Cheney Accepts THE nomination for a second term & says "This time we've got the votes; So GO F*** Yourself. Besides, We didn't need them the 1st F****N' time. And that goes for the F****N' Horse you rode in on!!. You Got That?? Do you want to hear this F****N' Speech or Not?? F****N' "A", Right!! Yeah, BIG TIME!! Next time I want to play Patty-Cake, I'll come look you up. So, Bite-Me & Back the F*** Off. I've got Deals & NO-BID Contracts to Make & We don't need your whinning A** complaining about votes & Your Stupid Rights--Blah, Blah, Blah--, so shut yer F****N' Pie Hole!!" Declares Coup De Tau's "Are Just Not for Bannana Republics Anymore". YOU WANT THE TRUTH???? YOU F****N' CRETINS CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!, ..........er,.........uh..... I mean...... uh, Thank You. Drop Balloons. Cheney & Scalia skeet shoot balloons dropping. Cheney Drives himself to the Hospital for a Heart Check-up. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again. Back to the "Deke" house chanting "4 more years".

12:28 AM: W. reads his favorite bedtime story, "My Pet Goat" & dozes off to sleep.