2004 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION
SCHEDULE, by Whit Meyer
York, NY 6:00 AM Bill Bennett Hosts the "Red
Eye" conservative workshop with complimentary
"Boxcar" Bloody Mary's. Topic: "Multi-tasking";
Determining our nations childrens' educational
school program standards and Family Values simultaneously
while doubling down to roll an eight the "Hard
Way". (This is not an "Early" meeting. Bill
is just coming in from a long casino night drinking,
smoking, & flirting with casino whores. If he
lost less than 50k, he'll be in a good mood
and maybe tell the story of rolling & hitting
"Little Joe" at Binions.) Following the workshop,
Bill hosts his 7-9am radio call-in talk show
"Family Values", Live from the Crap Tables of
AM: "Biscuits and Brownshirts" Breakfast workshop
hosted by Karl Rove to welcome Republican novice
newcomers and freshmen orientation. Topic: "Discrediting
101", and, "If we can't win it; we'll steal
AM: RNC seminar: Host Newt Gingrich. Topic:
"It's our country; If we can't run it,.....then
nobody else gets to". 10:00 AM: RNC Media relations.
Topic: Bush/Cheney Oval office spin. Speaker
Robert Novak explains that after being caught
with pictures of the embarrasing mistreatment
of iraqi prisoners in the Abu Ghraib prison,
then just letting prisoners go, was NOT a Bush/Cheney
White House "FLIP-FLOP". In this case, released
prisoners that could not be found or retrieved,
could not testify for a pentagon or congressional
investigation or Court Martial. Also, Being
the "WAR" President, then, Overnight, Becoming
the "Peace" President is really not a Bush FLIP-FLOP
; it's just a Policy adjustment. 10:30 AM: Republican
spokesperson Media orientation. Host Neil Cavuto.
Speaker: Nutcase Ann Coulter. Topic: You can
fool most of the people some of the time; The
rest, you just jerk around. Besides, who needs
the facts or truth when you have an agenda to
take over at any cost.
AM: RNC workshop. Topic #1: Getting your kid
a military deferrment. Host: Dick Cheney(although
he won't be speaking because he has "Other Priorities").
AM: RNC workshop. Topic #2: "Avoiding Military
Service, AKA: DRAFT DODGING 101. Hosted by Sean
Hannity. Guest Speakers: ALL ARE NO MILITARY
SERVICE REPUBLICANS Tom Delay, Richard Shelby,
Dick Armey, Rick Santorum, John Ashcroft, Trent
Lott, Karl Rove, Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush, Paul
Wolfowitz, Dennis Hastert, Elliot Abrams, Saxby
Chambliss, Rudy Giuliani, George Will, Bill
Bennett, Rush Limbaugh, Bill Kristol, Kenneth
Starr, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Paul
Gigot, Bill Orielly, Neil Cavuto, and Neil Bortz.
All these NO MILITARY SERVICE Republicans tell
how they avoided military service while America
was at war, then take turns sticking pins in
voodoo dolls of Jim Lehrer, Mark Shields, General
Zinni, James Carville, Don Imus, Scott Ritter,
Mark Russell, and MARINE GENERAL Zinni because
they are all EX-Marines and actually know what
they are talking about on military topics. The
NO MILITARY SERVICE Republican Hawks also challenge
Max Cleland to a "Smackdown Fight". Cleland
replys "I'd stuff a boot up all of your ass',
if i only had a foot to put a boot on!! Cleland
wheels himself "Front & Center" for the showdown.
1 Viet Nam Veteran(Cleland) vs 25 Republican
Chickenhawks. It's declared a "Fair" fight;
considering the "Courage" involved.
Noon: Hannity asks the question for the 10,000th
time, "Aren't we better off with Saddam Hussien
gone?" States that President Bushs' challenge
to Iraqi resistance "Bring it on" has no direct
correlation with the Nick Berg beheading. "It's
comparing apples & oranges; in this case it's
comparing a Presidential foriegn policy throwdown
challenge, & a beheading". Neil Cavuto argues
that "Nick Berg(& his family) are obviously
better off with Saddam Hussein gone. No "Evildoers"
can hurt them now". Hannity tag teams & 2nds
PM: Republican Women creative writing workshop.
Host: Mrs Dick(Lynne) Cheney. Topic: Lynne self
critiques an earlier writing project on socially
sensitive Iraq prison regulations, in her book;
"Chained women in Heat".
PM: Presentation of President Bush & VP Cheneys
entire Military service experience, credentials,
records of decorations, Military Leadership
lessons learned from their Viet Nam war duty,
and wisdom gained from their personal military
and 30 seconds PM: Presentation completed.
PM: Movie premier about Pres Bush's total military
active duty service; "30 Seconds Over Galveston".
Movie introduction by "30 Seconds Over Muncie"
star and Indiana National Guard veteran; Dan
PM: RNC Womens Soapbox. Host: Mrs Dick Cheney.
Topic: We are RNC Republican Women; Hear us
ROAR. Seminar of Republican Women and Guest
Speaker, former stewardess for Bull Dyke Airlines,
Laura Ingraham. You don't want to miss when
Laura speaks while secretly wearing a jock strap
& cup. Additional overbearing dominating argumentative
conversation by nutcase Ann Coulter.
Speaker: Justice Scalia. Topic: Law & iraqi
prison interrogation.(NO cameras, video, or
recording equipment allowed.)
PM: Republican Presidential Puppetering workshop
hosted by Karl Rove. Tribute to Lynn Noffsinger,
Roger Ailes, Senior Winces, & Edgar Bergan.
PM: RNC Inspirational program "We Held the Line"
hosted by Bob Barr & Richard Shelby. Film documentary
of early Republican party rank & file "foot
soldiers" that manuevered behind the scenes
to accomplish--to this date-- no negroes have
been extended membership at "Twisted Pines Country
Club". Hear Trent Lott recite the story and
quote his famous line; "They broke through the
line at Selma; But we held them at the Pines".
Shelby Leaks the plot to "impress" film viewers.
PM: Thank You Republican Party Happy Hour at
the Hob-Nob Suite, hosted by former Ceo's of
Enron, Worldcom, Kenneth Lay, Bernie Ebbers,
& Jack Grubman, Michael Milken, John & Mike
Rigas,and Frank Quatrone. Rush Limbaugh critiques
the tenderloin and Scotch and counts 4 hours
on his community service sentence for Drug Abuse.
Roasted Duck compliments of Cheney/Scalia Secret
PM: RNC "Thank You reception" Honored guests:
Pat Buchannan and Ralph Nader. Paper Mache replica
of Al Gore is the hit of the party when Pat
& Ralph get out of hand and take turns kicking
the Al Gore statue in the nuts over & over.
Limbaugh laughs so hard he has to stop & use
portable oxygen tank.
PM: Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Lord
God Apointee Jerry Falwell. For healings with
Pat Robertson, form your line, to the far Right.
PM: Lee Greenwood sings "Mama,......Don't let
your babies grow up to be Iraqi Abu Garhib Prison
Guard Intellegence Interrogators".
PM: Super-Tron TV screen plays video of President
Bush landing his own personal fighter jet plane
on the Aircraft Carrier after flying back from
a bombing run on Karbala, Iraq and winning the
war against terrorists. Shows that "Top Gun"
moment as pilots in flight gear punch each other
on the shoulder & get the surprise cooler of
Gatorade & ice dumped on them signifing victory.
Says he accomplished his mission fighting back
those Evildoers. "I carried so many bombs to
drop on the Evildoers, that I was afraid I was
going to run out of fuel; but I made it back
allright." Declares "Mission Accomplished" and
"Peace is at Hand" like Lord Chamberlain.
PM: Pledge of Allegiance to the Republican Party
& for which it stands for.
PM: Burning of Bill of Rights by John Ashcroft
(excluding 2nd amendment), followed by Ashcroft
singing "Let the Eagle Soar". Attention: NO
DANCING. NO DANCING while sitting(we can't have
people acting like they're having sex while
sitting in a chair).
PM: Salute to the Coalition of the Willing.
Although Spain & Honduras pulled out of Iraq;
Albania & Bulgaria are still with us.
PM: Speaker Robert Novak. Topic: Outing for
Political Gain; it's just not for gays anymore.
PM: NRA-National Rifle Association spokesman
"Chuck Heston" steps to the podium, holds his
hands up, parts the Republican convention crowd
and demands "Let go of my AK-47's"
PM: RNC Petroleum Secret Meeting Council Salute
sponsored by Enron. Hosted by Kenneth Lay. Guest
speaker: Saudi Prince Bandar explains that Exxon
and the House of Saud didn't make $43.50-bbl
oil or $2.25/Gal Gasoline; it was "The Market"
that set that price.
PM: First Presidential Beer Bong. Convention
crowd goes wild with "Chug, Chug, Chug, Chug,........
PM: Serve Freedom Fries. Ketchup is again, declared
a vegetable by Republicans funding elementary
school Lunch programs.
PM: EPA former administrator Christie Whitman,
Address #1: Lead salts; it's a desert AND pizza
topping. Topic #2. The Enviornment; we own it
and we have our property rights.
PM: Benedict Arnold Award. Paul O'neill, Richard
Clark, General Zinni, Joe Wilson, Bill Mahr,
Al Franken, James Carville, Michael Moore, John
Dean, and anyone else who has spoken an unsupportive
word or criticism against the Bush-Cheney administration
is trashed & discredited publicly, put their
professional career in jeopardy if possible,
then burned in effigy. Hannity pisses on the
fire. RNC authorized in-house contract for pest
removal on these turncoats & Liberals by former
bug man exterminator Tom Delay.
PM: Fox News commentator Colmes reports "The
King has No Clothes", & is immediatley taken
out back & shot. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier
PM: Vote on which country to invade next. North
Korea & IraN are off the table because "They'll
Fight back". We need another Republican war
victory like we had against Grenada!!
PM: Dick Cheney Tribute to Ronald Reagan. Dedication
of contribution to the Smithsonian archives
of the former Presidents preparatory speech
index card that reads "Thank you all for coming".
Also, archive video tape of Reagan visiting
and not knowing how to order a hamburger at
McDonalds. Tribute includes plaque for the "Backed
Down" and Tucked Tail Running Away award for
pulling out the Marines from Beirut the beginning
the NEXT day after the Marine Barracks boming
killed 240 Marines(who were "Peacekeepers" &
did not have ammunition issued to them). This
lesson taught the Arab/Muslim world that--If
you can hit America hard enough and make them
bleed,......they will go away. It also taught
America that when you have Republican leaders
with NO military experience directing a war;
the results are going to be a mess--Except for
Grenada class opponents. Reagans Astrologer
says the timing was right for this award; the
Tarot Cards confirm it. John from crossing over,
Channells. Reagan Channells back ; "My Handlers
Won't Let Me Speak!"
PM: Rush Limbaugh does Jesse Jackson imitation
in "Blackface". Sings "That Old man River".
PM: Secret Service scrambled & Call EMTs to
revive Dick Cheney. His pacemaker misfired he
was laughing so hard at Rush. Tries to tell
the same joke twice. Bombs. Tough crowd.
PM: Tom Delay authorizes & has Homeland Security
Agents find, escort, & hide Colin Powell to
undisclosed bunker for "Security" reasons. Tells
Powell to study these satellite photos showing
Iraq WMD sites and prepare to give a "briefing"
to Condi, the President, & the UN. Says not
to worry about & don't waste time on IRAN &
North Korea having NUKES. Says Saudi Prince
Bandar will come brief him if there are any
plans or changes he should know about. Powell
leaves his personal dignity at the door. Is
told to put on this White suit, & clean the
PM: RNC Round table discussion on reproductive
rights (MEN Only) followed by John Ashcroft
Lecture: Women who get Abortions are really
Criminals and Women should be prosecuted and
go to prison where they can't become pregnant
until they've "learned their lesson".
P: Bush Twins stick tounge out. Mistaken for
Paris & Nicole. Paris & Nicole sue for identity
infringement. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier
PM: Seminar #2 Corporations: The government
of the future. Host Neil Cavuto & RNC Thank
you Tribute to Wall Street for all the big contributions
that the Republican Party counts on to keep
that business coming. Topic: It really is NOT
a conflict of interest when GE, one of the largest
financial institutions in the world, just happens
to own CNBC; a cable TV channell that gathers
and "Reports" Scripted--Produced-- "News" that
moves the markets up or down on their Live,
financial infomercial market coverage. "We want
to thank ALL of those Little people for continuing
to pour their hard earned money into the stock
market so WE can keep Selling Short to them
& maintain our standard of living in the Hamptons".
How Are YOUR Stocks Doing???
PM: Condi Rice sings Medley: her version of
"Summertime", "Stand by your man", and "Hey
PM: Second Presidential Beer Bong. All "Deke's"
pronounced honorary Republican "Miesters" and
begin "Kegger" early.
PM: EPA Address #2 Trees: The real cause of
forest fires and how they pollute property developing.
Topic#2: Clean Water; We can afford bottled
water and not to worry. Besides, we can get
Britains' Tony Blair to carry our waterbucket
PM: Republican Convention Keynote Speaker Ken
Lay, former CEO Enron Corp. Topic: What the
Republican Party really stands for. What Republicans
are about. "I really didn't do ANYTHING WRONG
; except to provide Energy to Americans. That's
what I'm about. Supplying Energy to people....
like in California!!"
PM: Break for secret meetings with ALL industry
lobbyists. Bagmen report in 15 minutes early.
PM: Speaker Tom Delay. Salute/Tribute to Joe
McCarthy & new millenia McCarthy clone, Rush
Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh, a man who has Never
worn a Jock Strap, "Enlightens" the crowd with
his "Expertise" of Pro-Football ; It's about
managing Pain with Painkillers My Friends. But
You've got to have a Latino Mule that knows
when & How to Zip It!!".
PM: Second prayer led by Cal Thomas. Signed
by Gary Bauer. Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier
PM: Lecture by Karl Rove & Cavuto: Doublespeak
made easy. Karen Hughes declares that Karl is
PM: Rumsfeld "Calls Out" former CIA Director
George Tennent ; has showdown in the middle
of the convention floor with the nation looking
on for answers. Guns down Tennent, & squints
eyes & says, "It was Him,.....or Me. Besides,
He was Clintons Appointment".
PM: Bush demonstration of trademark 'Deer in
headlights' stare, Live from the DKE suite Kegger.
PM: Rumsfeld/Wolfowitz slide show: Abu Gharib
Prison Bloopers and Practical jokes. Colin gets
Punk'd by Rumsfeld.
PM: Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans.
Asks "Is that my diet coke?" Announces that
plenty of Pork Chitterlings, creek slung or
stump whipped, whichever you want are still
available at the buffett. Secretly wonders where
PM: Ballot Box Methods & Protocol. Speaker:
Katherine Harris. Topic: "You know we just can't
let any riff-raff in to the polls to mess up
the voting totals. The first thing you know;
it's just out of our control & the negros are
voting". Third Presidential Beer Bong. Show
Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.
PM: Platform vote #3 Education: a drain on our
PM: Karen Hughes, Rush, and other Republican
Hacks take swings at Hillary Clinton Pinata.
Says "What's the big deal about Purple Heart
Medals?? We can get them online for $3 bucks
apiece!! It's easy to get one. And a Silver
PM: Lecture by John Ashcroft: Explains the Law
and Justice that comparing Enron former CEO
Ken Lay still not going to trial after 2 years,
and charging and convicting Army specialist
Jeremy Sivits(& other Enlisted personnel) of
dereliction of duty at the Abu Gharib prison
within 30 days is comparing apples to oranges.
Rush enlightens us with the big difference is
that Enlisted soldiers DON'T have private jets
available to loan as favors for your personal
use, and they're NOT big RNC contributors. Ashcroft
Explains the Enron Corp fraud on the American
investors by Billions of dollars lost, & the
Bankrupting of California, by HIS administration
of Justice ; Put Martha Stewart in Jail.
PM: Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
Claims he can't hear & wants to talk about Pro
Football. Rush says he borrowed a Jock Strap
from Laura Ingraham.
PM ALL Republicans Blame Clinton/s for Any &
Everything. Bush/Cheney will NOT talk about
What THEY HAVE DONE. They just want to tell
us that there are a whole bunch of Boogiemen--AKA
"EVILDOERS & Terrorists"-- out there and ONLY
THEY can protect US from the BOOGIEMEN. They
CAN'T tell us WHO they are ; Or WHERE They are,
Or WHAT THE BUSH/CHENEY PLAN IS NOW, but assure
us that they are out there. Bush/Cheney CANNOT
& WILL NOT TALK ABOUT themselves ; BUT THEY
CAN WARN US ABOUT KERRY & THE Democrats, those
Evildoers, & everything else. Burn Clintons
in effigy. The crowd goes wild. Show Landing
on Aircraft Carrier video again.
PM: Laura serves milk and "Yellow Cake", and
resumes her subservient female role knowing
that George is secretly pissed that the in-Laws
still refer to him as "Dipwood" even though
she has supposedly talked to them about it.
PM: Coronation Prayer led by Jesus Himself.
Introduction and warm up by "Pat Robertson &
PM: Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme
Planetary Overlord. Coronation speech: O J T--ON-THE-JOB
TRAINING American Foriegn Policy; Freedom marched
in via bayonet point. Asks the question "How's
that for 4 years without a mistake". Proclaims
that if he & Cheney are not re-elected; then
the "Evildoers" win. Leads a Cheer; GO, GO,
GOOOOOOOO Republicans; B-E-AAAAAAAAAAA-TEE,
Rutgers....er,ah...I mean, Democrats!!!!! Yeah!!!!!
Yeah!!!!! Yeah!!!!! Asks crowd the Question
: "Have i Made a Mistake??" Waits 7 minutes
for the teleprompter, or que-card; then Refuses
to answer, 'cause it's a "Trick" Question. Addresses
the immaculate iraq war plan of how good it
was planned & thought out. Says jungle GREEN
Flack jackets sent into a light brown desert
environment, worn by soldiers in Light desert
tan uniforms really didn't make our U.S. troops
"Targets" for the enemy; it was just a uniform
accessory clash. Says that the "Bring it on"
statement was really taken out of context; kinda
like when the "Deke's" have a kegger and challenge
the "Sigma Chi's" rushee's to some foosball.
Still won't admit to making a mistake about
iraq. Look at all the wal-mart part-time minumum
wage/no benefits jobs we've created. Explains
the "I'm a UNITER; Not a DIVIDER" saying he
campaigned on was meant to unite America--NOT
to UNITE 1 BILLION pissed off Muslims to hate
the United States even more than they already
did. States the War in Iraq is going well, the
economy is doing great, and inflation is under
control & not a problem. Says "Americans are
United that he is the Chief Evildoer fighter.
The Office of Stategerey has said so". Declares
"I'm the WAR Presi....the Peace,......uh,...War...uh..Evildoers...uh
Peace, yeah the Peace...no..War,..uh Both".
Cheney Accepts THE nomination for a second term
& says "This time we've got the votes; So GO
F*** Yourself. Besides, We didn't need them
the 1st F****N' time. And that goes for the
F****N' Horse you rode in on!!. You Got That??
Do you want to hear this F****N' Speech or Not??
F****N' "A", Right!! Yeah, BIG TIME!! Next time
I want to play Patty-Cake, I'll come look you
up. So, Bite-Me & Back the F*** Off. I've got
Deals & NO-BID Contracts to Make & We don't
need your whinning A** complaining about votes
& Your Stupid Rights--Blah, Blah, Blah--, so
shut yer F****N' Pie Hole!!" Declares Coup De
Tau's "Are Just Not for Bannana Republics Anymore".
YOU WANT THE TRUTH???? YOU F****N' CRETINS CAN'T
HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!, ..........er,.........uh.....
I mean...... uh, Thank You. Drop Balloons. Cheney
& Scalia skeet shoot balloons dropping. Cheney
Drives himself to the Hospital for a Heart Check-up.
Show Landing on Aircraft Carrier video again.
Back to the "Deke" house chanting "4 more years".
AM: W. reads his favorite bedtime story, "My
Pet Goat" & dozes off to sleep.