Security is the job of all patriotic Americans.
Although the FBI, CIA and hundreds of other
government agencies are spending millions of
man-hours and billions of tax dollars trying
their best to root out terrorism, Americans
are still in danger. It is impossible for the
Homeland Security Department to interrogate
every single person in this country (and torture
an occasional squealer) to sort out the good
citizens from the evildoers.
why we've created the following Homeland Security
Self-Examination. There's no longer any need
for invasive and expensive government agency
procedures to determine whether or not you're
a terrorist. Now, you can do it yourself (as
required by sec. 2476, sub-paragraph B, of the
USA Patriot Act).
may have thought all people who get infected
by terrorism eventually die, either by blowing
themselves up or rotting in a concentration
camp in Guantanamo Bay. But early detection
can help prevent terrorism. By taking this simple
Homeland Security Self-Exam, you can find out
if you are in danger of becoming a danger to
yourself and others around you.
Homeland Security Department recommends that
all Americans over the age of 12 examine their
patriotism once a month. If a change should
occur in your patriotism level let your local
FBI agent know, so that you can receive free
American should own, and know how to use a gun
a. We may be called upon at any moment to fend
off a jihad of foreign invaders.
b. We may need to protect our valuables from
millions of newly unemployed slum-dwellers.
c. It's fun to shoot things.
d. We may be called upon to overthrow a tyrannical
leadership that has stolen an election and usurped
American should be fingerprinted because;
a. After all good Americans are fingerprinted,
only the evil ones will be left to round up
and lock away.
b. It will prevent thieves from stealing my
identity, and using it to rack up my Victoria's
Secret credit card.
c. If you're ever kidnapped by terrorists, it'll
help the authorities find and identify your
d. No American should ever be fingerprinted,
unless they have been convicted of a felony.
a. Fundamentalist Christian awaiting the Rapture.
b. Christian, with a major in business.
c. Non-Christian, but seriously considering
d. None of the government's business.
fly the American Flag:
a. On both sides of my SUV.
b. In front of company headquarters.
c. On three-day weekends.
d. At half-staff to mourn for the death of our
I find that my neighbor, a subsidiary of a multi-national
corporation, is stockpiling hazardous waste
in their backyard I should:
a. Ask the company to hide the waste by burying
it, so that no terrorists can possibly attempt
to use it for some evil plot.
b. Contact the Environmental Protection Agency,
which takes care of all environmental problems,
so you don't have anything to worry about.
c. Shut-up and mind my own business.
d. Warn other neighbors and the media about
am most afraid of:
a. Islamic Fundamentalists.
b. An IRS audit.
c. Getting SARS, smallpox, or anthrax without
d. The Republican Party.
Bill of Rights:
a. Is no substitute for the Ten Commandments.
b. Only applies to generous campaign contributors.
c. Is worth sacrificing to protect my family
d. Guarantees the rights of the people against
the abuses of power by the Federal government.
regard to foreign countries, what should a patriot
a. Do onto others pre-emptively, before they
do onto you.
b. Through bribery, assassination, and subterfuge,
install puppet governments that will allow us
to extract all their natural resources.
c. Bomb'em if they mess with us.
d. Do onto others as you would have them do
of my money is:
a. Spent supporting people who believe in salvation.
b. In oil and defense stocks.
c. Spent on rent and groceries.
d. In a glass jar on my dresser.
I shop I look to see:
a. A Made-in-the-USA label.
b. Where the designer section is.
c. Where the security cameras are.
d. Whether the goods were made by sweatshop
American deserves an equal opportunity to:
a. Pray for forgiveness for their sins.
b. Inherit all their family's wealth, free of
c. Work hard, and party hearty.
d. Employment, regardless of race, color, weight,
religion, gender, sexual orientation, or national
you ever been convicted of a crime?:
a. No, Daddy arranged things with the judge.
b. Yes, but I paid a substantial penalty to
the SEC, so it's all been cleared up.
c. Yes, but I didn't do it.
d. Yes, for protesting in a "non-free-speech"
would be proud to serve my President:
a. As a missionary to the heathen hordes.
b. By accepting multi-billion dollar contracts
to rebuild any country he wants to bomb.
c. By enlisting in the Marines, if it wasn't
for my anal cysts.
d. A subpoena to appear in court.
total your points: Each a. = 1 point, b. = 2
points, c. = 3 points, d. = 1000 points.
Less than 15: A Loyal American! (Report any
suspicious activity in your neighborhood.)
15-30: A Friend of The President (Get out your
30-39: Born in the USA (Watch more Fox News).
Over 39: Terrorist or Terrorist sympathizer
(You're either with us, or you're against us.
Consider this your final warning.)