Republican National Convention Opening Day Schedule: sent to us by a viewer

6:00pm - Opening prayer

6:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer

6:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers

6:45pm - New energy policy presented by Exxon

7:00pm - Canonization of Reagan

7:15pm - Additional prayers

7:30pm - Opening remarks by Halliburton

8:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken Lay

8:15pm - Additional remarks by Halliburton

8:30pm - Stoning of the first homosexual

8:45pm - New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente

9:00pm - Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)

9:15pm - Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party

9:30pm - Reagan elevated to Co-Savior (Holy Trinity now referred to as "the Quad")

9:45pm - Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan

10:00pm - Cheney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go f__k himself

10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: "Well, which one IS it? They all look alike.")

10:30pm - Burning at the stake of 16 year-old girl who had an abortion after being raped by her cousin

10:45pm - Dancing around the golden calf

11:00pm - Stoning of the first homosexual's partner

11:15pm - New forestry policy presented by Weyrhauser

11:45pm - Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as President

12:00am - Closing prayer

12:01am - Hookers arrive!