Hedge Man and the Three Goats - a
upon a time in a once prosperous land devastated
by global warming, world war, economic recession,
and a budget deficit that defied description,
there lived three goats, Millie Goat Meek, Willie
Goat Tired, and Drilly Goat Smug.
day, the three goats were forced by road construction
to make a detour over a certain bridge. Unfortunately,
a horrible ogre named Hedge lived under this
bridge. Hedge had big ears, a bigger mouth,
and a temper twice as ugly as the rest of him.
When Millie Goat Meek came trip trip tripping
across the bridge, Hedge suddenly leapt out
from underneath it and shouted, "Who's that
trip trip tripping across my bridge? I'm going
to have you arrested for trespassing!"
Goat Meek trembled before him and begged. "Oh,
please Mr. Ogre, let me cross your bridge. I
am very poor and very hungry and I heard that
there might be a soup kitchen on the other side
of the bridge."
grinned toothily and said, "Well, Ma'am, this
is your lucky day. Thanks to the passage of
the Faith Based Only Assistance to the Poor
Law you can be helped. However, to be eligible,
you must first sign this form making you a lifetime
member of The 144,000 and Counting Club."
Millie, what could she do? She could either
starve or sign away her Constitutional right
to religious freedom. She signed, went on her
way, and was saved, praise the Lord!
afterward, Willie Goat Tired came trap trap
trapping along on his way to one of the three
part-time service industry jobs he held while
trying to make ends meet, following the disappearance
of his union job to some Indonesian island he
couldn't even pronounce the name of. Hedge jumped
up on the bridge and screamed, "Who's that trap
trap trapping on my bridge?"
me, Willie Goat Tired."
you're under arrest for trespassing on my bridge."
ridiculous and you're making me late to work,"
said Willie. "Let me by!"
will if you'll sign this form promising not
to protest if your children are drafted to fight
in unnecessary and unjustified wars in foreign
will not!" said Willie Goat Tired. " I know
What rights?" sneered Hedge before calling his
personal assistants, D.C. and C.R. to drag Willie
away to jail.
Wait! Don't do this!" begged Willie Goat Tired.
"My wife and kids will starve."
if they join The 144,000 and Counting Club."
laughed Hedge. So Willie went to prison uncharged,
with no legal counsel, and was tortured by having
to research the life and times of Jessica Simpson
for two long years, eventually resulting in
a permanent and debilitating case of perpetual
brings us to our third and final commuter, Drilly
Goat Smug, who came tromp tromp tromping down
the bridge whistling a happy tune causing Hedge
to bounce joyously up onto the bridge, grinning
in "good ol' boy" camaraderie.
de pardner?" he chortled as usual. "What's up?
Profits, I hope. Come on down under the bridge
and I'll get the help to rustle up some steaks
to eat while we talk over all the good times
we've had exploiting the poor and polluting
the planet, and, by golly, figure out how to
do it all over again!"
note: Was there a happy ending for the first
two goats? Were the tables ever turned on Hedge
and Drilly Goat Smug? I'll leave that ending
up to you. Think about it on your way to the
polls In November.