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NOT-SO-SWIFT TEXAS NATIONAL GUARD VETERANS FOR BUSH (Script for a TV ad for the Bush Campaign) - from the author of Kiss My Left Behind, a parody of the fundamentalist "Left Behind" series

Vet #1: People are not telling the truth about George Bush's war experience.

Vet #2: George Bush is just like a real war hero.

Vet #3: I knowed George Bush. I served with him in the Texas National Guard.

Vet #4: While John Kerry was off in Vietnam, shooting Gooks, George was right here in Texas, protecting American soil.

Vet #5: George is a real Texas patriot. And George REALLY knows how to have a good time, too!

Vet #6: If I was going on a road trip, I would want George right there next to me, riding shotgun.

Vet #7: I felt safe with George sitting next to me, a Coors in one hand and a rollin' a joint with the other.

Vet #8: And George sure knows where to go to have fun. He knows every bar and strip club in Texas, 'cause George has been to 'em all.

Vet #9: One time, in a bar in Austin, George had this blonde stripper givin' him a lap dance, and he was doing body shots off a different stripper, both at the same time!

Vet #10: There was this one stripper named Dixie. I think George was in love with her. He used to sit down front, next to the stage, and sing: 'I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray, Hooray! I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray, Hooray!'

Vet #11: And then he would say, Hey, Honey, do you know what a Bronski is? And before you could say Boo! George had his face shoved in her tits!

Vet #12: George got up on the bar and started dancing. He pulled his pants off and he was wearing a bra on his head!

Vet #13: And then we said, Come on, George, put your pants back on. She don't want to see your thing. And the rest of us have seen it. Lots of times.

Vet #14: This bouncer grabbed George and threw him out of the bar. But not before we smashed up a couple of chairs and set the men's toilet on fire!

Vet #15: I remember one time when we were in this bordello in Matamoros.

Vet #16: George was snortin' coke off of this Mexican whore's ass.

Vet #17: George still has a scar from when that pimp hit him with a beer bottle.

Vet #18: That cut started bleedin' like a sum-a-bitch. I think his Dad got him a Purple Heart for that action.

Vet #19: So get this! On the way home George had his head stuck out the window of the Ford Mustang. And he was puking all over the side of the car, while it was still moving!

Vet #20: Later that same night, George showed up at my sister's house. He had a six-pack of Coors in one hand and a bong in the other. Now that boy knows how to party!

BECAUSE AMERICA NEEDS A PRESIDENT WHO KNOWS HOW TO PAR-TEE HAR-TEE!!!!

(paid for by Crawford Bottling & Fine Liquor, Crawford, Texas)

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