Concession Speech - from
of one of the NPR "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me"
[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family
and supporters, steps up to the podium in the
bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause
fellow Americans, the people of this nation
have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice.
So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos,groans,
rending of garments]
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence
of the American people. Though the people disagree
with the President on almost every issue, you
saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming.
That's really special. And I mean "special"
in the sense that we use it to describe those
kids who ride the short school bus and find
ways to injure themselves while eating pudding
with rubber spoons. That kind of special.
concede that I misjudged the power of hate.
That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see
it. So let me take a moment to congratulate
the President's strategists: Putting the gay
marriage amendments on the ballot in various
swing states like Ohio... well, that was just
genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind
of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number
of folks who showed up and cited "moral values"
as their biggest issue, those people changed
history. The folks who consider same sex marriage
a more important issue than war, or terrorism,
or the economy... Who'd have thought the election
would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta
give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now, now.
Credit where it's due.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's
youth. With 8 out of10 of you opposing the President,
with your friends and classmates dying daily
in a war you disapprove of, with your future
being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples'
tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your
asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging
homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You
voted with the exact same anemic percentage
that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.
[Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very
are some who would say that I sound bitter,
that now is the time for healing, to bring the
nation together. Let me tell you a little story.
Last night, I watched the returns come in with
some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night
progressed, people began to talk half-seriously
about secession, a red state / blue state split.
The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce
the vast majority of the wealth in this country
and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states
receive the majority of the money from those
taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the
blue states are the only ones who've been attacked
by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states
are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in
the blue states produce the entertainment that
you consume so greedily each day, while you
in the red states show open disdain for us and
our values. Blue state civilians are the actual
victims and targets of the war on terror, while
red state civilians are the ones ! standing
behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe
that Saddam Hussein had something to do with
9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your
sons and daughters who might die in this war
know it's not true, the people in the urban
centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know
it's not true, but those of you who are at practically
no risk believe this easy lie because you can.
As part of my concession speech, let me say
that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists,
the people who subsidize you, the people who
speak in glowing and respectful terms about
the heartland of America while that heartland
insults and excoriates us... we wanted some
healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused
to give it to us, largely because of your high
moral values. You knew better: America doesn't
need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden,
doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need
to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when
it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic,
unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing
to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope
of winning a vote that we can never have. Because
we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are
supposed to respect your values while you insult
ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years,
we've done just that.
not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's
a joke all the same.
an independent candidate gives me one luxury
- as well as conceding the election today, I
am also announcing my candidacy for President
in 2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of
"Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.
I make this pledge to you today: THIS time,
next time, there will be no pandering. This
time I will run with all the open and joking
contempt for my opponents that our President
demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty,
the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite,"
and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will
not pretend that the simple folk of America
know just as much as the people who devote their
lives to serving and studying the nation and
the world. They don't.
So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008,
America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed
yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you
redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially
duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because
I know better, and I truly believe that I can
help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in
'08! Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact
exist, bless each and every one of you.
cheers, applause, and foot-stomping)