How I Stole Your Election by George W. Bush
first thing I did to steal your election was
to make friends with ALL the manufacturers and
code-verifyers of the Electronic Voting Machines.
They were really nice, especially Diebold who
gave me $600,000 for my campaign. Wow, thanks
I had my attack dog, Karl Rove, convince these
companies to either alter the vote totals on
the central tabulator machines (simple PCs running
windows using Remote Access Server -- RAS),
or reprogram (via a downloadable software patch)
the voting machines themselves so that they
would give the advantage to ME! Isn't America
great?!? A little money and some religious zealotry
goes a looooong, loooong way. Oh, the religious
zealotry thing? That's just a cover. I'm not
really a Christian -- or at least I don't act
like one. Anyway, I digress.
you ever hear the media complaining about how
inaccurate the exit polls were in prior elections?
No. That's because they basically ARE accurate.
But this election, the exit polls showed Kerry
WAY ahead. No problem. My buddies rigged the
machines (and all they needed to do was rig
it in one state, Ohio, but they took care of
at least Florida for me too) not only to make
me squeak by in the important battleground states,
like Florida and Ohio, but they also made sure
that when I did get a state that I was expected
to win, the margin was HUGE so that my "popular"
vote would make it look like I had a mandate.
let's recap how the popular vote thing worked
again. Let's say we didn't want it to look suspicious
by taking states that Kerry really would have
won (except for Ohio and Florida, gotta take
those! heh heh). So we let him win there, but
in order once again to boost the "popular" vote
(I put that in quotes because as you know, I'm
not REALLY popular), we bring my vote tallies
RIGHT UP NEXT to Kerry's, to jack up the "popular"
vote as much as possible, even if I didn't win
with states like North Carolina, we know we're
going to steal the state anyway (at least according
to what the exit polls were telling everyone....
and according to the long, long lines of new
voters were telling everyone ... because we
all know most of those people were voting for
Kerry, not the status quo), so we just jack
the crap out of the vote total to REALLY stuff
a crapload of "popular" votes in my pocket.
You see, this way I can get on the TV and declare
that I have a "mandate" and that I'm going to
"cash in" on my political "capital" (which I
don't really have of course, but we made it
look that way).
a nice chart to show you what I mean. Take special
note of how the electronic voting machine totals
compare to the paper ballot totals. And see
what I mean about North Carolina?
folks, if you really want me out of office,
first you're going to have to impeach me. But
you know what, if you don't have verifiable
paper trails at the polls like these folks recommend
if you don't take these voting machines out
of the hands of private companies that are aligned
with one end of the political spectrum, then
I'm gonna just continue to hose you (and then
my brother Jeb will be president too cause we're
into this dynasty thing, kind of like my buddies
the Saudis... ain't it cool?!?). Also, in 2006,
we're going to steal about five more senate
seats, and then we'll have the "super-majority".
That means the Democrats can't do that confounded
fillerbs... fillas.... fillbusters.... CRAP,
well, they can't get in the darn way any more
and we can pass ANY laws we want about ANYTHING
and put whoever we want on the Supreme court.
Ha ha, then you're REALLY screwed. So if you
don't fix this mess (I mean great system) in
two years and have a verifiable voting system
nationwide, America is MINE!!!!! (and Jeb's
and my daddy's and Cheney's and Rove's... hey,
we could even pass a law saying I could be president
for FOUR MORE YEARS after 2008! That would be
SOOO cool!) Anyway, I digress once again.
that pesky Bev Harris. Man I wish she would
go away. If too many of you contribute to her
cause, I might just get in trouble so KNOCK
said it before and I'll say it again, "Fool
me once.....", oh CRAP, I forgot again. Well
how about this? "This would be a heck of lot
easier if this was a dictatorship.... just so
long as I'm the dictator. Heh, heh." Well, sorry
to say folks, but I got my way. What are you
gonna do about it, huh? Bring it on!!!
Yours, "President" George W. Bush P.S. Pass
it on! I dare ya.