Letter from George Bush - source
days have seen my campaign take hit after hit
from scheming liberals bent on destroying not
only The American Way, but civilization itself!
If I don't win this election, you'll have a
godless closet commie as your president, and
your streets will be overrun with flaming faggots,
dykes, druggies, people who dress weird, and
all kinds of noncomformity n stuff! Is that
your Cultural Heritage? The proud Heritage passed
on by our Foundering Fathers? Of course it ain't.
Okay, maybe they wore powdered wigs and silk
stockings, but they were Real Men thru and thru!
Plus, they had slaves and plenty of babes on
the side, if you can call the ugly women back
then "babes" but I guess they didn't know any
better. Where was I? Oh yeah...
was built on the Sovereignty of Money and the
rich who control it. I am commited to seeing
this wonderful System continue, and spread all
over the world by force of arms if need be.
will bring peace to the world even if I have
to kill everyone to do it!
if you don't vote for me, God won't talk to
me anymore, and I'll have to shuffle off and
get me a real job, or maybe just mooch off my
old man until the geezer drops dead and I get
my inheritance. Which ain't half bad when I
think about it...hmmm. Golly! Then I can just
party n stuff like I used to and get wasted
and not give a damn anymore. This sobriety shit
is for the birds anyway...
back to my subject. Which was. Which was...
Oh hell I forgot! Now I'll have to scroll back
up to find out! Oh yeah. The election and all
the hits my campaign has taken.
I'm for truth and honesty as much as the next
guy. But they're kind of like medicine, you
know? A little can help, but a lot can make
you real sick and maybe even kill you dead!
All of them facts coming out about my jumping
the gun on invading Iraq, lying about WMD's,
diverting attention from Osama to Saddam, and
all that other stuff. Well, it just ain't right.
your Incumbent, it is incumbent upon you, the
people, in order to form a more perfect union,
to bend over for me and take it up the wazoo.
And LIKE it! Now, is that hard to understand?
Of course it ain't. You guys n gals have been
doing it since 1776 or thereabouts, being learned
in school to be good little wage slaves for
us rich, to mind your manners and get teary
eyed and patriotic while we blow the hell out
of someone for their oil. Or something else
we want. Like maybe some of that Maui Wowie.
And a cheeseburger. And fries! And a chocolate
shake. And one of them deep-fried apple pies.
Damn I love Micky D's! Its cheap and it tastes
really good when you're stoned out of your mind
on a couple blunts and a line of coke or two!
But again I digress.
John Kerry and John Edwards (John-John! Haw
haw!) are the greatest threat to America that
we've faced in a long time. Probably since my
dad was elected, though I'm not sure 'cause
my mom ain't here right now looking over my
shoulder n stuff. Neither are those party poopers
Dick and Colin. God them guys is so uptight,
I swear they both crack walnuts between their
them Democrats is all messed up and a bunch
of liars and even when they tell the truth you
can't trust 'em because they'e always spouting
off about actual real freedom and diversity
and all of that dumb and dumber PC horsefeathers.
why did I email you? I ain't sure. If my mom
or dad was here they could help me remember.
Probably. I think. Anyway, vote for me or God
will be really pissed off.