Sermon on the Mount: The King Bush Version- by Nancy Gregg

An attempt to understand the newly-revised teachings of Christ

Along with millions of Americans, I have been a bit confused by George W. Bush's own personal brand of Born Again Christianity, which seems to be at odds with the actual teachings of Jesus Christ.

After searching the New Testament with a fine-toothed comb, I could not find a single reference to anything that resembled, "Thou shalt taketh from the poor and middle-class and giveth to the top one percent," nor any passage or parable that would seem be in keeping with Brother Bush's view of Christian behaviour. It finally occurred to me that when you honestly believe you were appointed by God to lead the nation, you are of course free to take out your Crayolas and re-write the Bible, right along with the Constitution and Bill of Rights. I have been unable to locate an 'unclassified' White House version of the Sermon on the Mount, but have attempted to reconstruct what must be the new, updated interpretation:

Sermon on the Mount King Bush Version [Chapter I, Verses 1 - 26] (Loosely based on an original idea by Christ, J., circa 33 A.D.)

Blessed are the poor ... so create as many poor as possible, that they, too, may be blessed.

Blessed are the sick ... for they shall cause the pharmaceutical industry to prosper.

Blessed are they that mourn ... for their jobs will continue to be outsourced.

Blessed are the Corporations ... for they shall inherit the earth, free of Inheritance Taxes.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after Righteousness ... for they shall hunger and thirst until the end ofthy tenure in office.

Blessed are the speech-makers... for they shall maketh excuses for your actions, and cause you to look like less of an idiot.

Blessed are the hungry ... for they shall have their Food Stamps cancelled.

Blessed are the wealthy ... for they shall dwell in the Kingdom of Tax Exemption.

Blessed are the truth-tellers ... for they shall be discredited and ousted from their government jobs.

Blessed are the truth-seekers ... for they shall be relegated to the Internet.

Blessed are the spinners and weavers of deceit ... for they shall be appointed to cabinet positions.

Blessed are the weak and downtrodden ... for they shall work for minimum wage and will asketh not for benefits.

Blessed are the feeble-minded ... for they shall be prosecuted to the full extent of the law and executed. (Offer void in some states)

Blessed are the pure in heart ... for they see not the evil that the F.C.C. will seek out for them.

Blessed are the peacemakers ... heed not their words, but feel free to bless them as often as seems politically expedient.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake ... for Amnesty International or the Red Cross will eventually find them, no matter where ye shall hide them.

Blessed are the polluters of the earth ... for they truly knoweth how to make a buck for their own sake.

Blessed are the meek and timid ... for they shall be called Elected Democrats.

Blessed are the ignorant who seek not the truth ... for they shall be called thy Constituents.

Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, buton a candlestick ...for Enron hath made the cost of electricity beyond their reach.

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you and persecute you,and shall say all manner of evil against you ... for their votes shall not be counted anyway.

Think not that I am come to destroy the law ... the Patriot Act hath cometh before me.

Whosoever is angry with his brother without cause shall be in danger of the judgment ... unless thou can convince the masses that thy brother has weapons of mass destruction.

If any man will sue thee at the law and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also ... but giveth him not the Presidency which was rightfully his.

Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not away ... especially if he who asketh is a powerful CEO with money to contribute to your party.

When thou prayest, enter into thy closet and shut thy door andpray in secret ... unless thou art campaigning and have need of Evangelical votes.

P.S. Jesus wept.