Sermon on the Mount: The King Bush Version-
attempt to understand the newly-revised teachings
with millions of Americans, I have been a bit
confused by George W. Bush's own personal brand
of Born Again Christianity, which seems to be
at odds with the actual teachings of Jesus Christ.
searching the New Testament with a fine-toothed
comb, I could not find a single reference to
anything that resembled, "Thou shalt taketh
from the poor and middle-class and giveth to
the top one percent," nor any passage or parable
that would seem be in keeping with Brother Bush's
view of Christian behaviour. It finally occurred
to me that when you honestly believe you were
appointed by God to lead the nation, you are
of course free to take out your Crayolas and
re-write the Bible, right along with the Constitution
and Bill of Rights. I have been unable to locate
an 'unclassified' White House version of the
Sermon on the Mount, but have attempted to reconstruct
what must be the new, updated interpretation:
on the Mount King Bush Version [Chapter I, Verses
1 - 26] (Loosely based on an original idea by
Christ, J., circa 33 A.D.)
are the poor ... so create as many poor as possible,
that they, too, may be blessed.
are the sick ... for they shall cause the pharmaceutical
industry to prosper.
are they that mourn ... for their jobs will continue
to be outsourced.
are the Corporations ... for they shall inherit
the earth, free of Inheritance Taxes.
are they which do hunger and thirst after Righteousness
... for they shall hunger and thirst until the
end ofthy tenure in office.
are the speech-makers... for they shall maketh
excuses for your actions, and cause you to look
like less of an idiot.
are the hungry ... for they shall have their Food
are the wealthy ... for they shall dwell in the
Kingdom of Tax Exemption.
are the truth-tellers ... for they shall be discredited
and ousted from their government jobs.
are the truth-seekers ... for they shall be relegated
to the Internet.
are the spinners and weavers of deceit ... for
they shall be appointed to cabinet positions.
are the weak and downtrodden ... for they shall
work for minimum wage and will asketh not for
are the feeble-minded ... for they shall be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law and executed.
(Offer void in some states)
are the pure in heart ... for they see not the
evil that the F.C.C. will seek out for them.
are the peacemakers ... heed not their words,
but feel free to bless them as often as seems
are they which are persecuted for righteousness'
sake ... for Amnesty International or the Red
Cross will eventually find them, no matter where
ye shall hide them.
are the polluters of the earth ... for they truly
knoweth how to make a buck for their own sake.
are the meek and timid ... for they shall be called
are the ignorant who seek not the truth ... for
they shall be called thy Constituents.
do men light a candle and put it under a bushel,
buton a candlestick ...for Enron hath made the
cost of electricity beyond their reach.
are ye, when men shall revile you and persecute
you,and shall say all manner of evil against
you ... for their votes shall not be counted anyway.
not that I am come to destroy the law ... the
Patriot Act hath cometh before me.
is angry with his brother without cause shall
be in danger of the judgment ... unless thou can
convince the masses that thy brother has weapons
of mass destruction.
any man will sue thee at the law and take away
thy coat, let him have thy cloak also ... but
giveth him not the Presidency which was rightfully
to him that asketh thee, and from him that would
borrow of thee turn not away ... especially if
he who asketh is a powerful CEO with money to
contribute to your party.
thou prayest, enter into thy closet and shut
thy door andpray in secret ... unless thou art
campaigning and have need of Evangelical votes.