Letter to Bush Family to Adopt me - by
name is Scott Mahler, and I want your family
to adopt me. There's nothing wrong with my current
one, they're great -- lots of good times, etc.
-- but it's time to move onward and upward.
In fact, they're all Republicans (had to be
in order to be in my later Grandmother's will),
so they not only understand but encourage this
move. Here are some of their comments:
I think I would fit right in with your family.
I come from a middle middle-class background,
so I already fear and hate the poor -- all their
whining makes my ears bleed. They complain and
complain about not having enough money, no affordable
health care, blah, blah, blah. Well, I say --
"In stead of watching 'Cheaters' every night,
go out and get a third job." One thing I can't
stand is a lazy freeloader -- it's simply un-American.
Plus, they smell like cheap polyester and fried
baloney -- not an appealing potpourri.
thing we have in common is our dislike of the
French -- although I was born on Bastille Day
(July 14th -- oh, the irony). Their art, culture,
food, wine, and condescending attitude make
me want to puke! Who do they think they are?
And I never trust anyone in a beret. If I were
ever to ascend to the presidency (and I'd be
a shoe-in being a Bush), I would advocate unprovoked
attacks against them -- they would never cross
you were to adopt me, I would of course have
to learn how to shoot a gun -- I've wanted to
do that anyway. Perhaps I could go to the firing
range with Charlton Heston. We could blast big
clay targets that look like the Ten Commandments
out of the sky -- very Hunter S. Thompson. Not
that I condone his drug-riddled lifestyle --
the only drugs that people should be using are
the ones put out by large pharmaceutical companies.
sure you guys could show me all kinds of neat
stuff, like how to take out bullies. No one
really terrorizes me anymore (I am thirty-four
now), but there are some people that I think
need a swift kick in the butt -- and you don't
need U.N. approval for that. Perhaps George
Sr. could show me some CIA hand-to-hand combat
moves -- that would be cool. And after I smite
the evil-doers, I could say it was all part
of God's plan -- look it up in Revelation. I
would also be more than glad to help you with
other family members. For instance, I don't
drink anymore, (well, rarely -- okay, often),
but I would be Barbara & Jenna's "Sober Skipper".
I could go bar hopping with them and weed out
the losers that hit on them -- believe me, I
know the eyes of a date rapist who intends to
slip them a Ruffie. They won't be in any tabloids
on my watch -- that's my guarantee.
could go back to get my MBA at an Ivy League
school, and then have you set me up in business
-- all without really trying. I would like to
have my very own Ohio-based minor league baseball
team called the Midwestern Automatons. It shouldn't
be too hard getting fan support -- I'm a Bush
now. And if it fails, not to worry -- I know
you would bail me out and set me up in another
business -- how about oil? It seems like there
is money in that.
is one problem, however: I voted for John Kerry
in this last election. Not to worry though --
I'm sure all I'll have to do is bribe a few
local election officials to change my vote.
Perhaps Jeb can show me how to do that -- it's
only one vote in a small town on the Eastern
Shore of Maryland, not an entire district in
Florida. I really hope you consider adopting
me. All of you seem so functional, like a dishwasher
or vacuum cleaner. I picture myself going to
McDonalds for dinner and ice cream with George
Sr. and Barbara in a Range Rover, and then eating
it with a big silver spork. We could Super Size
everything -- that's the American way.