CNN -- "The Most Trusted Name in News" Employee Newsletter September 2004 - from viewer Nancy

It's been another GREAT month here at CNN and, as always, I want to thank all of our staff for the great teamwork that continues to make us a great network!

Put Your Wallets Away, Folks -- Your Money is No Good Here!!!

Thanks to the Swift-Boat Veterans for Truth, our 2004 Christmas party will be bigger and better than ever this year! In gratitude for running their ads dozens of times for discussion purposes’ as part of our regular programming, the Swifties have graciously agreed to pick up the tab for our annual event. A spokesperson for the association said it was the least they could do in consideration of the hundreds of thousands they saved by not having to buy commercial air-time. When told that we at CNN were overwhelmed by their generosity, the Swifties responded, "Hey, we've been MORE than overwhelmed by YOURS!!" What a bunch of great guys!!

HELP WANTED

As many of you already know, my Aunt Myrna and Uncle Jake will be traveling for the next few months, and will therefore no longer be available to participate in our polls. This brings our phone list down to twenty-three people, and our tele-pollsters are adamant that the number be kept at twenty-five to ensure a solid and reliable group to represent the thinking of the American people.

If you know of anyone who would like to participate, please forward the following:

Position: CNN Poll Responder

The successful applicant is preferably a white conservative, with no post-secondary education. Knowledge of politics and/or current world events an asset, but not required. Salary commensurate with nature of responses given.

Send resume to Clara Raynolds at scientificpollinfo/CNN.

A Note from our Legal Department:

Despite the best efforts of our capable staff, we regretfully announce that we have been unable to find any viable grounds to cancel The Lou Dobbs Show. Mr. Dobbs’ in-depth reporting on Outsourcing America continues to garner millions of savvy, intelligent viewers, and his no-holds-barred questioning of corporate scumbags seems to have taken on a life of its own. We apologize for not foreseeing the obvious: Any man who's smart enough to know that the US economy is a disaster would, of course, be smart enough to have negotiated himself an iron-clad contract.

However, we have been extremely pleased that the guidelines set out in last month's memo, entitled "NO News is NO Lawsuit", have been so well received and adhered to. The ongoing Dan Rather/CBS brouhaha should be evidence enough of the wisdom of this policy. In the meantime, feel free to air discussions’ about what a lousy, ineffective, unethical job CBS has been doing over the last half-century. The worse THEY look, the BETTER we look by comparison, guys! Who needs real’ news when we can keep ourselves lawsuit-free by slandering our fellow TV journalists?

Another Friendly Reminder’ to ALL On-Air Staff:

We are reminded again by Lance in the IT Department that many of the on-air anchors are still not making use of the new technology recently installed in your desk consoles.

When airing a video-feed from one of our reporters in Iraq, DISASTROUS news can be circumvented by pushing the RED button on the RIGHT side of your microphone. This gadget will immediately cause on-screen static, and will muffle the sound-feed sufficiently to make continuing the interview impossible.

Look surprised, tap your ear-piece furiously, frown and say, "I'm sorry, we seem to be losing you." Then move on to your next story.

Honestly, folks, it doesn't get any simpler than this!!!

If you still have any difficulty, Lance can be reached at shoveoveruidiot/CNN, or Extension 0021.

(Also note that DEFECTIVE ear-pieces for off-site remote interviews with Democrats are still stored in the blue box, clearly marked "D" )

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow:

Unfortunately, not all of you got to meet Amber Frownecher, who started her on-air career right here on Headline News just a few short weeks ago. After an auspicious start, the lively and bubbly Amber read some poll numbers the other day that put John Kerry ahead of Bush in Wisconsin with a thirteen point lead. Unfortunately, Amber forgot to add "remember these poll numbers DO have a margin of error of + or – 13 points."

Also leaving us this week is Sean Berkmire, who also reported the aforementioned poll results and failed to describe the 52 Kerry/39 Bush numbers as a "dead heat"’ or "virtual tie".

I'm sure that everyone here at CNN wishes Amber and Sean the best of luck in their new jobs, wherever that may be.

In Memoriam

Services will be held on Saturday, October 2, for three of our beloved on-air staffers who lost their lives during their coverage of Hurricane Ivan.

We have received harsh criticism from some quarters for placing our reporters outside in dangerously high winds, but we recognize that while our viewers will believe there are WMDs in Iraq without any evidence whatsoever, they will not believe there is a hurricane in Florida without seeing it first-hand.

Names of the deceased being withheld until notification of their union representatives and the resolution of Anticipated legal action.

"Mighty Coalition Contest" Still Ongoing!

When we launched our "Name all of the Countries Participating in the Mighty Coalition in Iraq" contest fifteen months ago, we thought we'd have a winner by now!!

After opening the contest to non-employees of CNN, we received many more entries but alas, still no winner!

Currently in the lead is "Donny Rumrunner" (real name withheld by request) of the White House, who has managed to correctly name thirteen of the thirty-one countries so far!

Let's All PLAY Nice, Guys!

It has come to our attention that Andy Franklin, our Bottom-Screen Crawl Editor, has been getting a lot of nasty emails lately about the grammatical and spelling errors that sometimes show up on-screen.

We think the poster behind Andy’s desk says it best: "The Prezident of the Unitet Staytes can't reed or right gud, so why shud yu?"

Keip up the gud work, Andey!!!

Minutes of Meeting "Executive Summary of On-Air Staff Meeting" September 14, 2004

For those of you who could not attend last week's meeting, here is a summary of the Key Discussion Points & Resolutions:

YES, the 4:30 p.m. rule is still in effect!

ANY and ALL breaking news stories, regardless of URGENCY or lack thereof, will be HELD until 4:30, at which time "Crossfire" will be pre-empted.

ANOTHER REMINDER to watch those P's & Q's

Mistakes DO happen, so always pre-screen your on-air copy before showtime!

If your copy includes topics like Cheney's vice-presidency and Halliburton's no-bid contracts, or Bush-Cheney corporate contributors and legislation that favors their interests, please remember to use the SEARCH/REPLACE key in the following manner:
SEARCH: "connection"
REPLACE WITH: "amazing coincidence"

Upcoming Social Events Calendar

Our planned George W. Bush National Guard Reunion charity event is in dire need of volunteers, as well as guests.

We HAVE received an R.S.V.P. from our gracious First Lady, Laura Bush, who says the invitation was "probably" a forgery, and that she "probably" won't attend.

Note to the CNN Investigative Reporters Department (i.e. Billy-Bob and Carlos):

In view of concerns expressed by our Legal Department, please forward any insightful, thought-provoking news stories, statistics, etc. to Jon Stewart, c/o The Daily Show, Comedy Central. Don't worry about them "scooping" us -- Reliable Sources tell us that NOBODY watches that show anyway.

Have a GREAT month, CNNers, and watch for our October newsletter. And a Happy & Festive Yom Kippur to all of our Jewish friends.