CNN -- "The Most Trusted Name in News" Employee
Newsletter September 2004 - from
been another GREAT month here at CNN and, as
always, I want to thank all of our staff for
the great teamwork that continues to make us
a great network!
Your Wallets Away, Folks -- Your Money is No
to the Swift-Boat Veterans for Truth, our 2004
Christmas party will be bigger and better than
ever this year! In gratitude for running their
ads dozens of times for discussion purposes’
as part of our regular programming, the Swifties
have graciously agreed to pick up the tab for
our annual event. A spokesperson for the association
said it was the least they could do in consideration
of the hundreds of thousands they saved by not
having to buy commercial air-time. When told
that we at CNN were overwhelmed by their generosity,
the Swifties responded, "Hey, we've been MORE
than overwhelmed by YOURS!!" What a bunch of
many of you already know, my Aunt Myrna and
Uncle Jake will be traveling for the next few
months, and will therefore no longer be available
to participate in our polls. This brings our
phone list down to twenty-three people, and
our tele-pollsters are adamant that the number
be kept at twenty-five to ensure a solid and
reliable group to represent the thinking of
the American people.
you know of anyone who would like to participate,
please forward the following:
CNN Poll Responder
successful applicant is preferably a white conservative,
with no post-secondary education. Knowledge
of politics and/or current world events an asset,
but not required. Salary commensurate with nature
of responses given.
resume to Clara Raynolds at scientificpollinfo/CNN.
Note from our Legal Department:
the best efforts of our capable staff, we regretfully
announce that we have been unable to find any
viable grounds to cancel The Lou Dobbs Show.
Mr. Dobbs’ in-depth reporting on Outsourcing
America continues to garner millions of savvy,
intelligent viewers, and his no-holds-barred
questioning of corporate scumbags seems to have
taken on a life of its own. We apologize for
not foreseeing the obvious: Any man who's smart
enough to know that the US economy is a disaster
would, of course, be smart enough to have negotiated
himself an iron-clad contract.
we have been extremely pleased that the guidelines
set out in last month's memo, entitled "NO News
is NO Lawsuit", have been so well received and
adhered to. The ongoing Dan Rather/CBS brouhaha
should be evidence enough of the wisdom of this
policy. In the meantime, feel free to air discussions’
about what a lousy, ineffective, unethical job
CBS has been doing over the last half-century.
The worse THEY look, the BETTER we look by comparison,
guys! Who needs real’ news when we can keep
ourselves lawsuit-free by slandering our fellow
Friendly Reminder’ to ALL On-Air Staff:
are reminded again by Lance in the IT Department
that many of the on-air anchors are still not
making use of the new technology recently installed
in your desk consoles.
airing a video-feed from one of our reporters
in Iraq, DISASTROUS news can be circumvented
by pushing the RED button on the RIGHT side
of your microphone. This gadget will immediately
cause on-screen static, and will muffle the
sound-feed sufficiently to make continuing the
surprised, tap your ear-piece furiously, frown
and say, "I'm sorry, we seem to be losing you."
Then move on to your next story.
folks, it doesn't get any simpler than this!!!
you still have any difficulty, Lance can be
reached at shoveoveruidiot/CNN, or Extension
note that DEFECTIVE ear-pieces for off-site
remote interviews with Democrats are still stored
in the blue box, clearly marked "D" )
is Such Sweet Sorrow:
not all of you got to meet Amber Frownecher,
who started her on-air career right here on
Headline News just a few short weeks ago. After
an auspicious start, the lively and bubbly Amber
read some poll numbers the other day that put
John Kerry ahead of Bush in Wisconsin with a
thirteen point lead. Unfortunately, Amber forgot
to add "remember these poll numbers DO have
a margin of error of + or – 13 points."
leaving us this week is Sean Berkmire, who also
reported the aforementioned poll results and
failed to describe the 52 Kerry/39 Bush numbers
as a "dead heat"’ or "virtual tie".
sure that everyone here at CNN wishes Amber
and Sean the best of luck in their new jobs,
wherever that may be.
will be held on Saturday, October 2, for three
of our beloved on-air staffers who lost their
lives during their coverage of Hurricane Ivan.
have received harsh criticism from some quarters
for placing our reporters outside in dangerously
high winds, but we recognize that while our
viewers will believe there are WMDs in Iraq
without any evidence whatsoever, they will not
believe there is a hurricane in Florida without
seeing it first-hand.
of the deceased being withheld until notification
of their union representatives and the resolution
of Anticipated legal action.
Coalition Contest" Still Ongoing!
we launched our "Name all of the Countries Participating
in the Mighty Coalition in Iraq" contest fifteen
months ago, we thought we'd have a winner by
opening the contest to non-employees of CNN,
we received many more entries but alas, still
in the lead is "Donny Rumrunner" (real name
withheld by request) of the White House, who
has managed to correctly name thirteen of the
thirty-one countries so far!
All PLAY Nice, Guys!
has come to our attention that Andy Franklin,
our Bottom-Screen Crawl Editor, has been getting
a lot of nasty emails lately about the grammatical
and spelling errors that sometimes show up on-screen.
think the poster behind Andy’s desk says it
best: "The Prezident of the Unitet Staytes can't
reed or right gud, so why shud yu?"
up the gud work, Andey!!!
of Meeting "Executive Summary of On-Air Staff
Meeting" September 14, 2004
those of you who could not attend last week's
meeting, here is a summary of the Key Discussion
Points & Resolutions:
the 4:30 p.m. rule is still in effect!
and ALL breaking news stories, regardless of
URGENCY or lack thereof, will be HELD until
4:30, at which time "Crossfire" will be pre-empted.
REMINDER to watch those P's & Q's
DO happen, so always pre-screen your on-air
copy before showtime!
your copy includes topics like Cheney's vice-presidency
and Halliburton's no-bid contracts, or Bush-Cheney
corporate contributors and legislation that
favors their interests, please remember to use
the SEARCH/REPLACE key in the following manner:
REPLACE WITH: "amazing coincidence"
Social Events Calendar
planned George W. Bush National Guard Reunion
charity event is in dire need of volunteers,
as well as guests.
HAVE received an R.S.V.P. from our gracious
First Lady, Laura Bush, who says the invitation
was "probably" a forgery, and that she "probably"
to the CNN Investigative Reporters Department
(i.e. Billy-Bob and Carlos):
view of concerns expressed by our Legal Department,
please forward any insightful, thought-provoking
news stories, statistics, etc. to Jon Stewart,
c/o The Daily Show, Comedy Central. Don't worry
about them "scooping" us -- Reliable Sources
tell us that NOBODY watches that show anyway.
a GREAT month, CNNers, and watch for our October
newsletter. And a Happy & Festive Yom Kippur
to all of our Jewish friends.